In This Episode
This week Erin and Alyssa update us on what some of the worst f*cking guys have been up to in 2025. From Elon Musk, JD Vance, Stephen Miller, Marjorie Taylor Greene and more, find out who they think reigns as the worst f*cking guy of 2025.
For a closed-captioned version of this episode, click here. For a transcript of this episode, please email transcripts@crooked.com and include the name of the podcast.
TRANSCRIPT
Erin Ryan: Welcome to a very special episode of This F*cking Guy, the series where we pick one f*cking guy making America worse and explain why they suck. I’m Erin Ryan, host of Crooked Media’s Hysteria podcast.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And I’m Alyssa Mastromonaco, the other host of Crooked Media’s Hysteria Podcast.
Erin Ryan: Alyssa, fun fact.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: What?
Erin Ryan: Since this little roast series started on YouTube, we’ve read 27 fucking guys to filth.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And so many more to go.
Erin Ryan: I know. That’s enough fucking guy content though to get you almost all the way across the country without having to stop and refuel the hater aid even once. So they say the devil works hard, but insufferable douches work harder. So for our final episode of 2025, we’re going to catch you up with what a few select stars of past This F*cking Guy episodes have been up to since we last checked in. And after these updates, Alyssa, you and I will both select our 2025 F*cking Guy of the year.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: So without further ado, let’s get to it.
Erin Ryan: First, an update on a guy who is on track to be one of the richest men of all time, while also being one of biggest frauds in human history, Elon Musk.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Only a few hours after Trump’s second inauguration in January, which was moved indoors for reasons that definitely weren’t related to crowd size, Elon stood in front of a crowd and did two Nazi salutes.
Erin Ryan: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Those were Roman salutes. [laughter] Wait, no. Was it that he was saying that his heart goes out to the crowd and he did it awkwardly because he’s autistic or something? I’m just paraphrasing the different excuses I heard for whatever that was.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: I’ve never known of autism to cause somebody to do a whoopsie-doodle-hile Hitler, but hey, I’m no neurodivergency expert either.
Erin Ryan: Despite not being in control of his hands and arms enough to not accidentally do a Nazi salute, the president of Argentina decided it would be a cool idea to give Elon Musk a functional chainsaw weeks later, which he waved around on stage at CPAC.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Nobody normal thought this was cool.
Erin Ryan: No.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Trump installed Musk to run a group called DOGE, the Department of Government Efficiency.
Erin Ryan: Musk claimed that the goal of DOGE was to cut one to two trillion dollars in government spending. In practice, DOGE’s was about as effective as using a plastic knife to perform a C-section. After a lot of pain and effort, ultimately they couldn’t cut it, and the government was left with a scratch and a bill. DOGE didn’t end up saving the government anything, but it did cost a lot.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: DOGE’s efforts led to $14.8 billion dollars spent on so-called deferred layoffs, where federal employees were paid a full salary to not work for up to eight months before returning to the jobs they were allegedly going to be fired from. $110 million was spent on food aid that was left to spoil and storage, and the expense of destroying said spoiled food, at least $138,000, paying full-fledged scientists to do jobs they were overqualified for like check-in guests at the national parks. Great use for a science degree.
Erin Ryan: Overall, DOGE wasted at least $21.7 billion in those early months, according to a Senate report. That’s enough to give every school child in America free lunches for a year. Ultimately, it’s impossible to know how much was spent or saved or wasted or funneled to a crypto wallet belonging to a Saudi. DOGE was both caught fibbing about how much money it was cutting, and it did not make exact internal data available. DOGE’s legacy is recklessness and waste, and a huddle of former DOGE minions realizing suddenly that Elon Musk wasn’t going to protect them from the probable consequences of their action.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Tough lesson to learn, but to be fair, people who think Elon Musk is cool are idiots.
Erin Ryan: While over-promising and under-delivering on DOGE, Elon was appearing for photo ops galore, often wearing his small son like a helmet, and usually dressed like the bloated corpse of Wayne Campbell.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: People were so annoyed by his chainsaw waving around Americans’ livelihoods and data that by summer Tesla dealerships across the country were the site of protests. Musk handled the Tesla backlash with the emotional maturity we’ve come to expect from him, characterizing vandalism against his dealerships as terrorism.
Erin Ryan: Or in Musk’s accent, tewwowism. Now let’s get to the matter of the Cybertruck. When we last checked on Elon, the truck was a sales disappointment, plagued with constant recalls and maintenance issues. There were some encouraging glimmers. It was the best-selling electric truck during its first year of release, and performance-wise, it could do almost as much as most minivans. [laughter] But as of April 2025, it’s officially been deemed one of the biggest automotive flops in decades by Forbes Magazine. This puts it in the company of other famously bad cars like the Ford Pinto, which exploded.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Elon’s shameless bullshit peddling had started to attract a healthy skepticism from the public. He’s still promising that full self-driving mode is just around the corner on Teslas, but then again, he has been promising full self driving mode capability on Teslas was months away for the last nine years. Seriously, he’s promised that it’s right around the corners so many times that his empty promises have their own Wikipedia page.
Erin Ryan: If artificial intelligence is striving to equivocate the human mind, Elon Musk’s much-hyped anti-woke AI chatbook Grok’s brain is mentally unwell. In May, it started randomly bringing up white genocide in response to questions that had nothing to do with white genocide. The sudden obsession, suspiciously, happened after the bot had previously said that no reputable sources backed Elon Musk claim that a white genocide was occurring in South Africa.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: The bot kept being tweaked as it kept losing its marbles, first by answering questions in ways deemed too woke, and later by answering question incorrectly, in order to avoid presenting facts that support a woke worldview. At one point he was complimenting Hitler.
Erin Ryan: For Elon, Grok is kind of like having a child that will definitely turn out like him because unlike his human children, Grok can’t go to therapy. On November 8th, 2025, Musk tweeted a video that was made by Grok’s image generating software. He helpfully labeled it, Grok image prompt. She smiles and says, I will always love you. Beneath the text was an AIS video of a doe-eyed woman smiling in the rain. One ex-user commented, I guess it kind of makes sense that the first trillionaire is the biggest loser of all time.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Later that month, Musk appeared on Joe Rogan’s podcast for the third time and offered that one use of Grok was to help the worst guy at any party write jokes.
Erin Ryan: Just a side note, before becoming America’s official older stepbrother who lives above the garage, Rogan was a comedian. I’m sure, check out this joke machine for losers, as a pitch comedians love to hear from tech guys. Grok has other uses beyond tech-enabled sadsacry. It can also make revenge porn. Even though Grok was programmed with safeguards meant to prevent users from making AI-generated pornographic content starring real people who did not consent to it. Those safeguards worked about as well as a jar of Febreze during the zombie apocalypse.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Point of public service. Not enough time on The Walking Dead was devoted to the human characters commenting on how bad everything must have stank. Musk did one cool thing in 2025, and that was getting a lover’s quarrel with President Trump in May that culminated with him posting a message to ex claiming that the reason that the administration hadn’t released the Epstein files was that Trump was in them. And he was right.
Erin Ryan: You know what? I feel like that is going to be the answer of a bonus round of bar trivia in like five years. Let’s stay in Silicon Valley for the next fucking guy, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg. This year, Zuckerberg continued to be on the cutting edge of useless crap. Remember a few years ago when he was all about the Oculus headset and it was the Metaverse? And remember Facebook Portal? Remember that?
Alyssa Mastromonaco: No.
Erin Ryan: Okay. Well, I mean, it’s fine that you don’t. This year, Mark proclaimed the future of the company is super-intelligent AI and meta-branded glasses. But unlike regular glasses, these glasses use super-Intelligent AI and record everything you see and share it with Meta.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Trusting Facebook with everything I see sounds like a great idea considering the company’s stellar record of privacy.
Erin Ryan: But wait Alyssa, you have to hear the promise of this. The promise of the glasses is that their AI programming can help the wearer identify objects in their field of vision and provide insights and instruction on how to use those objects to make or do something. You know, like what your eyeballs and brain do already. For free.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: With Silicon Valley’s help. We will find a cure for the need to learn anything.
Erin Ryan: Zucky showed the world what the glasses could do during a corporate event in September, and what the glass could do is very little. Here’s a clip of Meta’s glasses not being able to use AI to help somebody make food.
[clip of Mark Zuckerberg]: Hey, can you help me make a Korean-inspired steak sauce for my steak sandwich here?
[clip of AI bot]: You can make a Korean-inspired steak sauce using soy sauce, sesame oil.
[clip of Mark Zuckerberg]: What do I do first? What do I do first?
Alyssa Mastromonaco: You’ve already combined the base ingredients, so now grate a pear to add to the sauce.
[clip of Mark Zuckerberg]: What do I do first?
Alyssa Mastromonaco: So uncomfortable.
Erin Ryan: I can’t even make this up. [overlapping voices]
[clip of Mark Zuckerberg]: You spend years making technology and then the Wi-Fi at the day kind of catches you.
Erin Ryan: It’s so weird that Meta would put on an event where video footage of said event would be broadcast elsewhere without being like a hundred percent ironclad Wi-Fi backup Wi-Fi triple backup Wi-Fi that shit has to work.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Right. And we know it’s not the Wi-Fi.
Erin Ryan: No. This year Mark Zuckerberg continued to undergo what writer Emily Witt described as a male to male transition with his crypto UFC necklace bro makeover. At the same time, Meta was undergoing a corporate transition, or rather a detransition. In 2021, Zuckerberg had gone all in on the so-called Metaverse, a virtual space where people could spend most of their lives hanging out, gaming, owning digital real estate, displaying NFTs, not touching grass, etc. To demonstrate his seriousness about this dumb idea, he changed the company’s name from Facebook to Meta.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: By the end of 2025, the Metaverse was dead. The gambit had lost more than $70 billion in just five years. The problem was that it didn’t work and nobody liked it. It met a need that didn’t exist. It just created a new way for Zuckerberg to hype himself up as a visionary.
Erin Ryan: You know, I have trouble understanding how Zuckerberg is still considered a visionary despite being hilariously incorrect about the last several big things in tech. But that hasn’t stopped people from perennially buying VIP tickets to the latest Zuckerberg hype train. In this case, it’s AI. Meta has been so thirsty for AI talent that they’ve been offering billion-dollar salary packages to sought-after AI pros. And one report says that Zuckerberg has been hand delivering soup to candidates he’s trying to poach.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Hand-delivered soup, Erin. If he made it with the Meta AI glasses, he can keep it.
Erin Ryan: When Zuckerberg announced in November that he was backing off the whole Metaverse thing, the valuation of the company increased by $69 billion.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Meanwhile, Facebook has devolved into a scam machine. A Reuters exclusive from early November revealed that Meta projected that 10% of its total ad revenue in 2024 came from scammers, and that Facebook users on the platform are exposed to 15 billion scams per day. Are they doing anything about it? Of course not. Enabling scammers is too lucrative. One thing these rich tech guys have in common is that they eventually get bored with the personality disorder that drives them to hoard more wealth than anybody could possibly need. Eventually they want to buy the thing that cannot be bought having people like you.
Erin Ryan: The problem is being a good person and having the disordered temperament required to amass a billion dollars are mutually exclusive qualities. This is especially on display in our next fucking guy, honey-roasted surveillance goblin Peter Thiel, a man who at once seems to have too much and not enough skin. Thiel’s latest hyperfixation has been The Antichrist, as in the Bible’s final boss, and it’s freaking everybody out. In September, Thiel delivered a closed-door, sold-out, four-part lecture series on Superdevil or whatever in San Francisco’s Embarcadero. The event was hosted by Michelle Stevens, the co-founder of a Silicon Valley Christian organization called Act 17. She happens to be married to Trae Stevens, who was an early Palantir employee who currently a partner at Thiel’s Venture Capital Fund.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: These freaks attend the same parties and group chats.
Erin Ryan: Fun fact, for Trae’s 40th birthday a couple years back, the Stephens’ invited 220 of their closest friends to a three-day FET in New Mexico. But on the morning of the third day, Peter Thiel delivered a surprise 55-minute lecture on Jesus, which apparently attendees of the birthday party did not expect.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Does this guy know how to party or what. Thiel’s strictly off-the-record rules for his 2025 four-part Antichrist lecture was broken by one attendee of part one. This naughty attendee surreptitiously took notes and published them on a now-deleted blog. We found it and read the summary, and yes, it’s weird.
Erin Ryan: Yeah, it’s weird. Thiel claims that along with bioweapons, nuclear war, fertility collapse, and artificial intelligence, modern thought leaders are not worried enough about the arrival of the quote, “biblical Antichrist via one world government as an instigator of Armageddon.”.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Is the one world of government in the Bible?
Erin Ryan: Once again, not an original thought in Peter Thiel’s head. That whole one world, government conspiracy thing has been batted along fringe freak circles since. Like at least the 1970s. But Thiel added a bit of Bible-thumping, doomer zest to it.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Thiel’s lecture sounds like something you’d hear being yelled in Penn Station when your train is late and you have to walk through it at 1 a.m.
Erin Ryan: Moving on from the bullshit machine of Silicon Valley to Peter Thiel’s favorite human pet JD Vance.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Here’s a fun story about what kind of person JD Vance is. when JD Vance was sworn in as vice president in January One of the musical acts to perform was the marching band from Vance’s old high school.
Erin Ryan: Oh, that’s kind of cute, actually.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: So these kids are from Middletown, Ohio, which is not a wealthy town. JD Vance is a multi, multi, multimillionaire, thanks to his career as one of Thiel’s minions. Additionally, Vance wrote the runaway bestseller, Hillbilly Elegy, which is a book filled with Vance’s observations of how stupid and lazy poor white people are. Did JD Vance use his money to help the kids from the Middletown High School Marching Band pay for their travel to the inauguration? Nope, he had them pay their own way.
Erin Ryan: That’s Grinch behavior. That is Grinch behaviors, dude.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: It’s dark Grinch. Later in 2025, Vance would do nothing to intervene when the Department of Education rescinded a $5.6 million grant that had previously been awarded to his old high school.
Erin Ryan: I mean, Hillbilly Elegy should have been called, fuck them hillbillies. Right? [laughter] I mean, at this point, we kind of know that. Okay. I mean maybe Vance was too busy to intervene when they were taking money away from his old high school. And by too busy, I mean on vacation. Vance was on a world tour this year, jet setting off to luxury accommodations and fishing excursions in such places as England, Scotland, Italy, India, France, Germany, California, Vermont, and his home state of Ohio. That’s a real one of these things is not like the other. [laughter] One resort where Vance stayed cost $10,000 per week. Princess treatment from the American taxpayer.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Speaking of Princess, here’s Vance running like a girl in Disneyland earlier this year.
Erin Ryan: I love that clip. I love it so much.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: If blue states are such hellholes, then why can’t the vice president leave them alone?
Erin Ryan: Great question. Some of Vance’s trips were working vacations where he’d show up and yell at the leaders of the country he was visiting.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Other trips still weren’t vacations, but fundraising trips, like the one he took in November to northern Kentucky, where his motorcade hit and critically injured a police officer on a motorcycle. That officer was hospitalized for weeks before being released to a rehab facility in December. Vance still hasn’t said anything publicly about the officer.
Erin Ryan: When he wasn’t vacationing, fundraising, or critically injuring police officers, our terminally online vice president was pretending as hard as he could to be the most MAGA guy, whoever did MAGA. He’s one heartbeat away from the presidency, but in order to bring it across the finish line, he’s going to have to pretend so hard that the MAGA crowd believes that he’s one of them. And he’s gonna have to overcome the fact that he is off-putting and people don’t like him.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: One important component of Vance’s MAGA LARPing is posting all day, every day. Vance posts a concerning amount, even taking time out of his busy schedule of not governing or being on vacation to call a prominent liberal podcaster a dipshit.
Erin Ryan: Oh, that was a fun day in the office. God, you know, I really want to give JD Vance a swirly. Another important component of JD Vances’ MAGA costume is his beard, the hardest working beard in America. Just your periodic reminder that JD Vance looks like a middle-aged cabbage patch kid without it.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: More like a garbage pail kid. Another important component of Vance’s act is cozying up to younger MAGA-aligned voices that are actually popular. JD Vance’s biggest obstacle is that the more people get to know him, the less they seem to like him. Throughout 2025, his popularity numbers have slumped with the percentage of voters who had a favorable view of him as low as the mid-30s by the end of the year.
Erin Ryan: So, of course, the shortcut to power for an unlikable power-hungry poser would be to try to glom onto something that people actually like. And that probably explains why he’s seemed like he’s been pulling a single white female on Charlie Kirk since Kirk’s assassination in September.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Five days after Kirk’s murder, the Vice President of the fucking United States was guest hosting a podcast, Charlie Kirk’s podcast.
Erin Ryan: Vance didn’t beat the I am the Charlie Now allegations with his closeness to Erica Kirk. In November, six weeks after her husband’s death, the grieving media touring widow introduced her close friend JD at a TPUSA event in Mississippi. When they embraced, she ran her hands through his hair as he hugged her with one hand on her hip. Observers noted that it was very much an odd way for friends to hug.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: At the same event, when he and Erica Kirk pawed each other, Vance said he would like it if his wife Usha, who is Hindu, would convert to Catholicism like him.
Erin Ryan: Weeks later, Usha Vance appeared in public without her wedding ring on, feeding speculation that there was trouble in Vance Land. Now, to be fair, I go without my wedding ring all the time because of a combination of small kids and forgetfulness. But like, would an adult Catholic convert who is trying to fashion a public image of himself as a traditional man be okay with his wife going ringless? Probably not.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Probably not. Some have speculated that JD’s shoehorning himself into the Charlie-shaped opening left in TPUSA is indicative of plans for Erika to run as Vance’s running mate in 2028. But during a recent appearance, Erika Kirk didn’t seem all that hot about endorsing Vance’ run for president at all.
[news clip]: JD Vance. Is he the person you plan to ultimately support for 2028?
[clip of Erika Kirk]: He’s a dear friend. My husband and him were very good friends. I do have to say, yes, I mean, we adored JD and my husband was very vocal about endorsing him, but I do you have to preface this from the standpoint of we have a tendency as humans to look past. We have very short attention spans and very short memories. I would ask that we enjoy the fact that, and maybe you don’t, but I will enjoy the fact that my husband worked so hard, so hard for this past election. And I think it would be, I think would behoove us to appreciate that hard work and enjoy the that we do have a president in office that we voted for.
Erin Ryan: Girl, what? Seriously, that was like that was like word salad without any dressing. She’s running. Now onto another black hole of rizz, Stephen Miller. The funniest thing he did in 2025 was possibly get cucked by Elon Musk.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: The rumors started in late May with Stephen Miller and Elon Musk getting into a Twitter fight over whether Trump’s signature legislation would cause the national deficit to get bigger or not. Musk and just about every other expert said yes. Miller said no, because trust me bro, this spat appeared to represent a break in a previously functional working relationship, which led people to wonder what was going on behind the scenes?
Erin Ryan: So then social media sleuths uncovered a piece from Wired from earlier in the year that strongly implied that at least some Republicans in Washington suspected that Musk and the Millers were in a throuple, were in a throuple situation. Then it came out that when Elon departed from the DOGE project, Katie Miller would leaving the White House to work with him.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: That eventually led to the official Twitter account of the Democratic Party to tweet a photo of an empty chair in a corner of a hotel room at Stephen Miller.
Erin Ryan: Okay, so that empty chair is otherwise known as a cuck chair, because ostensibly, it’s where, Alyssa, I’m going to tell you about all the weird sex things and you’re going to listen. It’s where a man sits to watch his wife have sex with another man.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Why? [laughter]
Erin Ryan: It’s gross, but are these salacious rumors? Of course, yes, they’re gross. They’re disgusting, but they were pervasive enough to be addressed by Snopes.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: That week where it was implied that two men were fighting over her must have been the prettiest Katie Miller has ever felt.
Erin Ryan: Well, I would like to believe that Stephen Miller’s wife left him for a pot-bellied dork. I don’t think the rumors are true because, Alyssa, I do not think that Elon Musk fucks.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: What about all those kids, though?
Erin Ryan: Test tube babies, baby.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Oh, that’s right. Apart from his numerous wet-mouthed appearances on Fox News and frequent retreats to his goon cave that only features children crying because their parents are being deported, Miller has had to share the stage with his wife quite a bit this year.
Erin Ryan: Yeah, she’s been a reliable source of very difficult-to-listen-to self-righteous crash-outs on mainstream news panels. But Stephen Miller’s hag wife also launched a podcast.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Finally, a podcast!
Erin Ryan: Yes, the Katie Miller Show is regularly listened to by tens of dozens of listeners. When it was launched, Mrs. Miller claimed that it would finally provide a place for moms to get together and talk about mom stuff. Which is probably why its most viral moment so far in its nearly year-long life has been Speaker of the House Mike Johnson doing an impersonation of a 100 four-year-old Black man. So I’ve been harsh on him, but House Speaker Mike Johnson is cooler than we give him credit for. Would a dork have strong opinions about Bad Bunny, the most streamed artist in the world, performing at the 2026 Super Bowl, and instead want him replaced with Lee Greenwood, who is 83 years old, 83 hip years old and has only one song that anybody knows? Mike Johnson’s job as Speaker of the House is hard under normal conditions, but it’s an impossible, soul-sucking job when the people who gave you one of the slimmest majorities in the history of Congress, are the lab chimpanzees of the American experiment.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Johnson does not have the personality of a zookeeper or even a chicken herder. He has the personality of a megachurch assistant pastor who sometimes delivers virtual sermons totally nude from the waist down.
Erin Ryan: Because of his lack of skill as a politician, Johnson’s favorite dodge is that he doesn’t know anything. Back in October, The Daily Show put together a supercut of Johnson not knowing about the Epstein files, not knowing the $20 billion bailout the Trump administration shoveled to Argentina, not know about the fact that Trump asked for $230 million from the Justice Department as reimbursement for legal fees he faced when he was defending himself against all those times he broke the law.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: In early fall, Johnson pretended that he couldn’t swear in Adelita Grijalva, winner of a September special election in Arizona, because the government was about to shut down. Mind you, it wasn’t shut down at the time. In fact, he had several days to swear her in after she was elected and before the shutdown. But he finally got around to giving the residents of Arizona’s 7th District representation in Congress several weeks later on November 12th. It was the longest time an elected representative went without being sworn in, in US history, this while also presiding over the longest government shutdown in US History.
Erin Ryan: Does this guy know how to govern or what? [laughter] Some speculated that Johnson’s slow-walking representative, Grijalva, was because she was the last vote needed for a resolution to pass to force a vote on releasing the Epstein files. Which Congress promptly voted on and passed after the government opened back up. I wonder if we’re ever gonna see those. My favorite Mike Johnson moment of 2025 was when he tried to get out of having to talk about Donald Trump’s presence in the Epstein files because he couldn’t talk about it because Trump was an FBI informant. Damn, but he was turning in the bad guys.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: That was so good. The implications of that claim were truly crazy and probably not true since we have heard nary a peep about it since.
Erin Ryan: No, no. He beta tested that one and then it was like, no, you got it. You can’t do that.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: One of the biggest pains in Mike Johnson’s ass this year has been another this fucking guy subject, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Mercurial Marge experienced a bit of a personal transformation this year as she came face to face with the uncomfortable truth that her craziness and the craziness of her followers only mattered in as much as it gave her power for allies political advantage.
Erin Ryan: In no arena was this more obvious than in the DC slap fight over the release of the Epstein files. By the end of the government shutdown, Marjorie had read the room enough to know that her best shot at continuing to be a political attention receiver in a world increasingly overrun with MTG clones was to have a very public breakup with the very man who had given her a public profile in the first place.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And now, she’s going on The View and 60 minutes.
Erin Ryan: She’s the same old awful person. And there’s so much to unpack in Marjorie’s MAGA Metamorphosis that we’re going to have to do an entire update episode on her soon. On to world’s worst grandma, Kristi Noem. Between step and repeating on the red carpet of the Las Vegas Grand Prix while being heckled about the Epstein files, and traveling to immigration raids with a camera crew and glam squad in tow, Noem has been the face of the Trump administration’s inhumane and deeply unpopular efforts to deport everybody who has ever put hot sauce on food.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: She’s also corrupt as hell. This fall, ProPublica broke the news that Noem had taken more than $200 million earmarked for DHS-related public awareness campaigns and, surpassing the typical competitive bidding process, funneled it all to a company owned by the husband of her spokesperson. And they made this ad of Kristi Noem pretending to be a cowgirl.
Erin Ryan: After our first Kristi Noem video, we got some pretty funny comments from South Dakota locals who were like, she’s not actually a cowgirl, which we very much appreciated. Now, just to level set here, $200 million is an insane amount of money to spend on media. Christopher Nolan’s film Tenet. There’s explosions in that movie, like a lot of them. It cost $205 million to make. The only way that Kristi Noem on a horse could possibly have cost a comparable amount of money is if the Kristi Noem in the ad were a 3D printed clone and the film was shot on the moon.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Noem better hope she’s got accountants smart enough to hide where that money is really going, because maybe I’m just being a little Pollyanna here, but in a just world, a stunt like the obvious Homeland Security media grift would eventually get someone thrown in jail. Noem also stepped in it when she admitted she defied an order from federal judge James Boasberg when she refused to turn two deportation plans around even after being told she had to. She’s now facing a contempt probe.
Erin Ryan: I’m sure that’ll turn out fine for her. By December, reports were circulating that Trump was thinking of getting rid of Noem in a sort of end-of-year cabinet cleanout. [gasp] What? Now, this is something that her longtime open secret affair partner, I mean Chief of Staff Corey Lewandowski, vehemently denies.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: I did notice that at a recent cabinet meeting, Noem claimed that because of Trump’s interruption of drug routes, he had saved over a hundred million lives.
[clip of Kristi Noem]: You have cut the fentanyl flow over the southern border by over 56%. You’ve saved hundreds of millions of lives with the cocaine you’ve blown up in the Caribbean.
Erin Ryan: Cocaine. With the cocaine? Which is directly cribbed from a lie that Attorney General Pam Bondi told earlier in this administration.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Is Kristi copying her homework off Pam?
Erin Ryan: Girl, if you are copying your homework off of Pam Bondy, you are probably not going to pass the class. [laughter] Another member of the Trump administration who has seemed drenched in flop sweat lately is Secretary of Defense, sorry, Secretary of Not Being Gay, Pete Hegseth.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: When we last checked in with Hegseth, he was lecturing a group of our nation’s highest-ranking military officers that he wanted them to be fit and shaved. But in the few months since we released our video on him, he’s been busy. First, he renamed the Department of Defense to the Department Of War, a meaningless that could cost taxpayers up to $2 billion dollars.
Erin Ryan: Those must be some fancy signs they have to swap out. Under Hegseth, the Pentagon banned all media outlets that refused to agree with a set of anti-free speech rules. No reputable news sources agreed to the terms, not even Fox News. So everybody who is in the press, who isn’t crazy or stupid, left the Pentagon en masse.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: But the exodus of journalism from the Pentagon didn’t prevent the media from exposing what a dogshit defense secretary Pete Hegseth is.
Erin Ryan: In November, reports surfaced that Hegseth had ordered second strikes on survivors of a bombing attack off the coast of Venezuela. The Trump administration has claimed that the ships it had targeted were drug smugglers, but critics and the families of some of the victims have claimed that they were just fishermen. So the initial military strikes on Venezuelan targets themselves have dubious justification in the first place.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Bombing survivors a second strike, however, that’s definitely a war crime. That’s like people got in trouble at Nuremberg for doing that. That is like the Hague for you. Do not pass go. Do NOT collect $200.
Erin Ryan: Department of War spokespeople denied the report at first, claiming that the second strikes never happened. But then they admitted that the strikes did happen, but that Hegseth wasn’t the one that ordered them.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: So, Hegseth threw one of his underlings under the bus and was like, but even if he did do that, it’s fine, but I didn’t do it, but if I had, it would also be fine, which to be clear, I didn’t do it. That, Erin is called, leadership.
Erin Ryan: Absolutely. Strength. Bravery. Hegseth tried to defend the confusion around who ordered what strikes on whom as the fog of war, which is a funny thing for a guy who would have ordered the military strikes from a leather office chair in a carpeted office to say, if you’ve got air conditioning around you—
Alyssa Mastromonaco: It’s not the fog of war.
Erin Ryan: It’s not the fog of war. Serious question, Alyssa. And I’m seriously wondering this. Is he in denial of what deep shit he’s in here.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: It feels that way.
Erin Ryan: No, I mean, this isn’t like getting two of your mistresses pregnant or drunk driving two separate veterans organizations into the ground. This is a war crime. This is serious. And if I was just following orders, didn’t work for the Nazis, then I was just issuing orders, probably won’t work for Pete Hegseth.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Even if he escapes punishment for a little while, trying to please Trump has gotten Hegseth into a situation that will be hanging over his head for the rest of his life. And unlike other hangovers Hegseth has inflicted on himself, this one won’t go away with some aspirin and ice cold Coca Cola.
Erin Ryan: And the fact that we know about this incident at all tells me that somebody very important in the military hates Hegseth’s guts and is leaking to the press like a blown up fishing boat.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: We only released our Kash Patel video a month ago, but between when it was written and shot and when this video is being written, he did more silly shit.
Erin Ryan: So much silly shit!
Alyssa Mastromonaco: One agent said that Patel is diminutively called the make-a-wish director by other guys in the FBI, in that he’s treating his job like he’s a 12-year-old cancer who’s been given access to tens of millions of dollars to make his dreams come true.
Erin Ryan: Kind of like Richie Rich, except publicly funded. We already knew that Patel had been using the FBI’s Gulfstream airplane to go to and from his country singer girlfriend’s various B-list singing events. But in early December, it was reported that he also made FBI agents drive his girlfriend’s drunk friend home.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And then there’s the jacket incident.
Erin Ryan: So we know about the jacket incident because of a leaked 150-page Senate report. The report also details general low morale and rudderlessness under Patel. Here, I’m reading directly from the report, page 27, quoting an internal FBI source they’re calling Alpha 99. Kash Patel arrived at the Provo Airport in Provo, Utah on September 11th, 2025. After his plane landed, FBI Director Kash Patel would not disembark from the plane without an FBI raid jacket. Many FBI special agents and other FBI personnel were busy working in the aftermath of the assassination of Charlie Kirk. And that FBI personnel had to stop and ask around to find an FBI raid jacket, a medium, a medium-sized one, that would fit FBI Director Kash Patel. There were many large and extra-large FBI raid jackets available. FBI personnel searching for a medium sized FBI raid-jacket that would fit FBI director Kash Patal finally found one. That raid jacket belonged to one of the female FBI special agents. The raid jacket’s special agent was then delivered to FBI Director Kash Patel on the plane. But as he was inspecting the jacket, Director Patel noticed two areas on the upper sleeves near the shoulders did not have Velcro patches attached. Patel would not leave the aircraft until he had two patches to cover those areas. Numbers of an FBI SWAT team took patches off their uniforms and ran those patches over to FBI Director Kash Patel at the airport.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Wow. Oh, really, eye on the ball there. Another fun anecdote from the report. Apparently Patel and Deputy Director Dan Bongino requested badges and guns when they got their jobs. This despite the fact that other FBI agents weren’t sure that either had the requisite weapons training to be trusted with weapons.
Erin Ryan: You know, listen, Coco Chanel always said, before you leave the house, look in the mirror and add two guns.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Pinnacle of style. Anyway, a bunch of FBI agents were making fun of the fact that they wanted guns and badges to accessorize with, and Patel caught wind of the shit talking, and he forced all the people who participated in the shit-talking to take a polygraph test.
Erin Ryan: Oh my god, it’s such loser behavior. Now here’s a callback to one of our first This F*cking Guy episodes ever. Everything’s bigger in Texas, especially the assholes. Like a poorly behaved farm dog, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has never met a crotch he hasn’t tried to sniff.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Erin, gross.
Erin Ryan: I really hate this guy. During his decade as the top law enforcement official in the Lone Star state, Ken Paxton has spearheaded efforts to turn everyday Texans into a vigilante creep squad that tattles on friends and neighbors they suspect of obtaining abortion care. Paxton is also the guy behind a truly psychotic attempt to subpoena the medical records of at a clinic in Seattle. On the grounds that he suspected the clinic might have been helping trans kids from Texas access medical care.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Thankfully, Kenny P gave up on that one when the hospital was like, uh, no, what the fuck?
Erin Ryan: This year, Paxton’s long-suffering wife finally left him, claiming in a social media post that she was divorcing him on biblical grounds. More specifically, according to a court filing obtained by the Texas Tribune, she was divorceding him due to adultery.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Ugh, to cheat with that guy gag.
Erin Ryan: That’s right, folks, there’s more than one woman in the state of Texas that finds Ken Paxton’s face to be sit-on-able.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: You’re out of control today. You’re out of control. You’ve gone too far. [laughter] This isn’t the first affair that we’ve been forced to picture Ken Paxton having. Back in 2023, he was impeached by the Texas state legislature for a corruption scheme that involved, in part, getting a former Senate aide he was boinking, hired for a job working for a developer who had given his campaign a sizable donation.
Erin Ryan: Awkward twist. Paxton’s wife, Angela, is a state senator, and while she couldn’t vote on her husband’s impeachment, she had to sit there during the trial. Extra awkward second twist. Paxton’s affair partner showed up to one day of the proceedings because there was a chance that she might be called to testify. That didn’t happen, but I hope for both women’s sakes that they had somebody there making sure they didn’t end up in adjoining bathroom stalls during one of the recesses.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Angela was team Ma husband at the time, as observers reported her wearing red and throwing the stink eye in support of the ugly man who cheated on her. Anyway, fast forward to 2025, the day after Angela filed for divorce. Both parties agreed that details of the proceedings should be private and moved to seal them. But the thing is that in Texas, all court documents are presumed public, with some narrow exceptions. Several news organizations, including ProPublica, were like, uh, no, unseal that shit. Ken Paxton’s divorce is actually in the public interest because Ken Paxton has a history of being a corrupt motherfucker.
Erin Ryan: Well, guess what? Now that it’s Ken Paxton’s personal life, Ken Paxton is suddenly very upset and concerned about privacy. In a court filing from late 2025, his lawyers argued that media organizations were trying to quote “invade and publicize the most sensitive aspects of the Paxton marital and private lives.” How terrible! How terrible to have your marital and private lives subject to public scrutiny. How awful.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And the irony police are on their way to arrest him as we speak.
Erin Ryan: Speaking of divorced guys, sorry ladies, former extremely divorced guy Jeff Bezos is off the market again. Bezos married his plastic girlfriend Lauren Sanchez this summer in a multi-million dollar, multi-day Italian celebration that featured a guest list of celebrities that will certainly be nestled against a triple cream brie on the charcuterie board when it’s finally time to eat the rich. The groom’s vibe was pure Lex Luthor’s urologist, and the bride managed to make some of the most expensive clothing in the look cheap. Of course, given this day and age, her wedding landed her a digital cover of Vogue.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: The most out of touch couple on the planet continued their charm offensive in 2025 with daring PR moves that had America asking, who is this for? Like when they pretended Lauren was an astronaut. Or when Bezos turned the Washington Post opinion pages as an outlet primarily for irrationally exuberant pro-capitalist propaganda and Bezos ass-kissing. Or when it was rumored that Bezos might buy Vogue as a sort of present for his silly wife. Or when he decided to be the main sponsor of the 2026 Met Gala. We’ll know that media takeover of the Bezos Sanchez duo is complete when People Magazine names Jeff Bezos the sexiest man alive.
Erin Ryan: That’ll be the sign that we are cooked. Quickly hitting on a few more of this fucking guy updates. Jerry Falwell and Phyllis Schlafly are both, blessedly, still dead and burning in hell. Alex Jones is, I’m sorry to say, still alive. But if you look at that dude’s coloring, I’d say if we had a f*cking guy natural death prediction pool, he’d be at the top of my list.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Meanwhile, slightly north of Hell in South Carolina, congresswoman and gubernatorial candidate Nancy Mace showed up an hour late to the airport where security was supposed to meet her and then screamed at the poor employees who dared treat her like anything but the princess of low country. Her campaign manager recently quit on the grounds that Nancy Mace is crazy. A flurry of messy lawsuits continue to swarm around her over some wild accusations she made on the floor of Congress early in 2025. Seriously, watch our Nancy Mace video. She’s nuts.
Erin Ryan: She’s nuts. Finally, let’s land this plane on Jeffrey Epstein’s island where so many planes carrying so many f*cking guys have landed before when we last checked in on the lady Ghislaine Maxwell this summer she had just been exposed as a liar by a cache of emails subpoenaed from the Epstein estate. Fans of this series may recall that back in July, Maxwell gave two days of testimony to Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanch During which she claimed that she’d never seen Donald Trump do anything Epstein-y and that she barely even talked to Jeffrey Epstein after the early 2000s.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: But weeks later, Democrats would release an email exchange between Maxwell and Epstein that undermined both those claims. On April 2nd, 2011, years after Maxwell claimed she’d basically stop talking to Epstein, Epstein told Maxwell over email, quote, “I want you to realize that the dog that hasn’t barked is Trump. Victims spent hours at my house with him. He has never once been mentioned.” Maxwell replied, I’ve been thinking about that.
Erin Ryan: Hmm.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Hmm. In the fancy prison camp where Maxwell was transferred coincidentally weeks after she said the apparent lies that Blanche wanted her to say, Maxwell is getting special treatment from guards and has even been given a puppy, a puppy Erin, to play with as she serves out her 20 year sentence for child sex trafficking and abuse. That’s according to a report from Democratic lawmakers who have taken the stance that people who are convicted of sex crimes against children should not be given puppies to play with.
Erin Ryan: Maxwell has been repeatedly angling for a pardon from President Trump, who, even with the gefilte fish that remains of his brains, knows better than to touch Maxwell when the case is this hot.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: That hasn’t derailed her mission to get released from prison and her dedication to her belief that she’s never done anything wrong ever in her life. In December, she told a judge that she’d be asking to be released from her 20-year sentence and she would be representing herself.
Erin Ryan: All right, well, there you have it. A selection of updates from f*cking guys from our archives. Alyssa, given everything we’ve heard and all the fucking guys we’ve covered, who would you select as f*cking guy of the year in 2025?
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Erin, for f*cking guy of the year, I think I have to go with Pete Hegseth, because never has such an asshole, such an absolute fucking idiot with no sense of history, or no sense at all really, had such proximity to things that kill people, which he apparently talks about on unclassified WhatsApp group chats, which can kill even more people. So I have to go with the man who I think earlier this year we said smelled like day old Scotch, cologne, and Marlboro Reds. [laughter] Who’s your 2025 fucking guy of the year?
Erin Ryan: I mean, I feel like Donald Trump is the obvious one. So I kind of—
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Oh, good point.
Erin Ryan: I excluded him because he’s so, he’s like just on a different level.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: I forgot about him.
Erin Ryan: I am of two minds here. I think that on one hand, it’s Kristi Noem. Like she’s a dumb fucking bitch. She is not smart, but what she is doing and what she has is lending her face to is like, she is hell bound. That bitch is going to burn in hell. Like her ancestors are going to be embarrassed that they’re related to her. Fuck her all the way back to South Dakota and beyond. But I also think Ghislaine Maxwell is a little bit the f*cking guy of the year.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Totally. There were so many.
Erin Ryan: So many. Just because Ghislaine has been sort of the dark matter that all of the news has been rotating around. And the more we’re learning about the Epstein list and who is on it and how they’re involved, like Ghislaine Maxwell and the Epstein case. Has been part of the reason that people are so mad that are working at the FBI, because like resources have been diverted to like deleting Trump’s name from the files. And the Department of Justice is all fucked up because they’ve been like really circling the wagons to protect Trump from whatever’s in the Epstein files. I just think that we can’t see all the ways that it is affecting the way that public people are moving. And within the next five to 10 years, we’ll look back on this year and have a better understanding of how. Influential and in like the worst possible way, Ghislaine Maxwell’s allegiance with Jeffrey Epstein was and how it just completely threatened to derail all of Western democracy. And that’s a wrap on 2025 and f*cking guys. This show was written and researched by me with a writing assistant, Alyssa Mastromonaco. Hysteria’s senior producer is Caroline Reston. Our show’s associate producer is Claire Fogarty. And all of the other credits, as well as links to our sources can be found in the show notes.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: And if you’re not, caught up on all the fucking guys we’ve covered. All those videos can be found on our YouTube channel. Please like, subscribe, and share.
Erin Ryan: Take care, be well, we’ll see you next year, and fuck that guy.
Alyssa Mastromonaco: Fuck that guy!
