The Beach House (2019) | Crooked Media
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August 22, 2023
Ruined with Alison Leiby and Halle Kiefer
The Beach House (2019)

In This Episode

Halle and Alison enjoy a spring break full of parents’ friends, weed chocolate, and some unnerving water while ruining The Beach House.

 

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[theme music]: If scary movies give you dread. Keep you up late night in bed, here’s a podcast that will help you ease your mind. We’ll explain the plot real nicely then we’ll talk about what’s frightening, so you never have to have a spooky time. It’s Ruined.

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to Ruined. I’m Halle. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I’m Alison. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this is a podcast where we ruin a horror movie just for you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just for all of you, Halle. How you doing?

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl? We. We haven’t seen each other well. 

 

Alison Leiby: I know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Or spoken in a week. We had a week off. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I was on the road. So.

 

Halle Kiefer: On the road again. 

 

Alison Leiby: On the road again. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Also we never talked on the pod. The fact that you did your abortion show at the fucking Kennedy Center. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: I realized. I’m so sorry we didn’t talk about that experience. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well like also we—

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, no like the listeners might. It’s interesting and it’s exciting. 

 

Alison Leiby: We live out of time because we’re always like, ahead and then also behind. So like—

 

Halle Kiefer: I like not having to be of the minute. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, we really are just floating on a interdimensional plane, I think. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Gals in the void, that’s what I’m— 

 

Alison Leiby: Gals, gals in the void. That’s something. That’s merch.

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s merch. Let me write that down, gals in the void. 

 

Alison Leiby: Gals in the void that is, honestly. And whoever is working on this episode, please [laughs] let’s make gals in the void merch. 

 

Halle Kiefer: All right, write it down, because that’s what you have to do now, unfortunately, is you have to immediately make merch. And that’s true. My job is crazy. Like you have a brand in any way. It is merch. And also I buy it. I want merch. 

 

Alison Leiby: I love merch. Our friend, Lisa Trager, a friend of the pod, has some great merch out right now. And I was like, I got to buy her merch. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There are individual people I like so much that like if you put out a T-shirt just about you as a person. I fucking fine I’d it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which is probably not good, but I guess that’s capitalism for you. So—

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I’d rather do that than wear, like, a shirt that advertises a brand. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No, absolutely. Which was such a thing when we were growing up. I feel like when we were younger. It was all—

 

Alison Leiby: Like Gap, Abercrombie.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And then like, remember those hideous Dooney and Bourke bags? Like those logo bags? So nasty. So yes—

 

Alison Leiby: And like Louis Vuitton Murakami bag that—

 

Halle Kiefer: Grow up. 

 

Alison Leiby: Got like duped a million times and. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Not that we would ever have one. But I remember even it like if you younger be like, oh, okay, yeah exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like just buy a knockoff. I can’t tell the difference. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, that’s a whole thing now there’s like you can buy like high end knockoffs. It’s like a whole, like industry. And I’m like, I don’t know, just buy something you like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. And it’s like, how do you find out what you like when you are inundated again with like, well, I got to buy these shoes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Someone was talking to me about Hoka’s, and I—

 

Alison Leiby: Oh yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because I want to buy like a pair of shoes, and I’m I guess I’m looking at it and I’m like, I find these disgusting. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I’ve heard they are outrageously comfortable. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s the thing. So—

 

Alison Leiby: I am kind of interested, if you please, if you order them. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Let’s talk about them on the pod. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And let’s be honest, as a woman of a certain age, I do. I would take comfort over an attractive shoe that feels bad anyways.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, I am done with uncomfortable shoes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: To cycle back anyways thank you—

 

Alison Leiby: Anyway.

 

Halle Kiefer: For buying our merch. We will continue to make merch and we really appreciate you purchasing it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Other than that, God, I’m about to have two weeks off from work but I work on the podcast, Lovett Or Leave It for Crooked Media, which is also the company through which we put out this podcast and we have two weeks down for the holidays and God, I am, I need it. My head is full of hot sand. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. This time of year, things really like I’m always just like melting into a puddle of nothing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And I guess with the strike, I mean, how are you doing with that? 

 

Alison Leiby: You know, it is fun to see celebs and be out on the picket line. I was, I was walking behind F. Murray Abraham the other day. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh my God. I mean, incredible.

 

Alison Leiby: And he was just out carrying a sign. And when cars would honk. 

 

Halle Kiefer: God bless him. 

 

Alison Leiby: And trucks would honk, he would kind of put his fist up being so excited. And I was like, Oh man, you seem great. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s amazing. I’m going to go I’m going to go to the picket line here because I haven’t been able to. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because of my day job. But. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s during work. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I’m like what else am I fucking doing? You know. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s a fun thing. You get some steps in. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: What was I going to say, oh, I will say the one good thing this week, I don’t know if you followed there is in Ohio. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And again, we’ve talked about this a million times on the podcast, but it’s sort of like I do think, you know, again, anyone further left, then Republicans, you know, I don’t want to get your hopes up. But I really do think overturning Roe versus Wade and then immediately attacking trans people, I believe is proving to be a losing decision. 

 

Alison Leiby: I agree. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I believe it is losing propaganda for the right.

 

Alison Leiby: It is not, neither of those things is actually popular. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, especially abortion. But I think most people are like, I don’t know, trans people, like, let them do whatever. I don’t care. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly like it’s just not something to like, hang your hat on. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s a small vocal minority that makes it seem like these are incredibly divisive issues and they aren’t. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: And when democracy is let to be democracy and people get to actually vote abortion and trans rights and gay rights and all those things like they win because that’s people want them. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And there is just like the disgusting, vociferousness of like that fringe part of the right where it’s like unless you’re a complete fucking maniac. It’s very hard to be like, oh, I’m like this person. Does that make sense? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Yes, yes.

 

Halle Kiefer: Cause I’m like this. Like, ravening—

 

Alison Leiby: Totally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —hateful maniac. Most people don’t think of themselves that way, not that they don’t aren’t potentially manipulated by those parts of themselves. 

 

Alison Leiby: Totally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I think it’s like this is a losing battle. Again, you don’t want to get your hopes up. But I it made me extremely happy that, again, the right’s always pretending like they’re going to have these, like, fucking sweeping successes. And also Ron DeSantis, his campaign is fucking eating shit. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s so funny. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I still feel horrible for everyone who lives in Florida and Texas. 

 

Alison Leiby: Absolutely. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Obviously. But it it does make me not like I just feel like, okay, so there is a possibility for things to not be worse than they are and they could become better. And it is just everything is important every every one of these in every state. And I don’t know, I just want to bring it up. It’s like, okay, well, I took some solace of of. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, people came out. People voted. People like hear. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And people understand, you know, this wasn’t even a vote on abortion. This is a vote on like, how, how, how [both speaking] how to change the Constitution, which is a more a more obscure idea to begin with. So it’s just nice to see people be like, fuck off. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Not, of course, that they won’t try this kind of thing again. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah—

 

Halle Kiefer: On abortion, obviously. 

 

Alison Leiby: They’re gonna keep doing it, but. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Some hope, some optimism as we move into. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: What is inevitably going to be a psychotic election cycle. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl like. And it is what it is you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like until we fundamentally change society, which we do have to do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should get on that.

 

Halle Kiefer: Every, every, where it’s like oh, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Every one of them is. 

 

Alison Leiby: Every one of them is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Unfortunately. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because it’s like who nominates federal judges? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like who puts in Supreme Court justices? Like—

 

Alison Leiby: For life. 

 

Halle Kiefer: For life and oh, that. Oh, that’s the other thing. Oh, the fucking—

 

Alison Leiby: Clarence Thomas’s new Sugar Daddy?

 

Halle Kiefer: Clarence Thomas’s two new sugar daddies that weren’t even in his disclosure. It turns out he’s fucking. I don’t even know how he has time to be a Supreme Court justice. He’s been—

 

Alison Leiby: Honestly. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —on 38 destination fucking vacations. And again, like, the idea of like, oh he’s like  I’m sorry, I’ll just put it in now. It’s not good. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm mm. Mm mm. Asshole.

 

Halle Kiefer: But other than that I’m good. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh good. 

 

Halle Kiefer: How are you doing Alison? Is there anything else? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m good. There’s really nothing else I got going on. I will say a quick little thing is last night I was at a bar with some pals, just doing some comedy shit talk and hanging out and having drinks. And the bar had homemade Chex Mix, and I got to say. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh. 

 

Alison Leiby: That needs to be everywhere. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I think you should make some at home. That feels really up your alley. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, like, like super garlicky. Kind of spicy, like tons of. I love, like, controversially, I love the rye chip. That’s, like, my favorite one. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, I love the rye chip. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You’ll hear no complaint from me about the rye chip. 

 

Alison Leiby: I wouldn’t expect to. So anyway, that’s what I would like to add. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That sounds delicious.

 

Alison Leiby: To our discussion is that I had some Chex Mix last night and it is inspiring me to make some. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Also, I realize I should have thought of this, but this actually comes out on the 22nd of August and unfortunately Alison cannot attend. But I will be introducing a movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: At American, American Cinematheque’s Friend of the Fest at Los Feliz 3. In case you live in Los Angeles, I’ll be introducing The Babadook. 

 

Alison Leiby: Babadook. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Of course, a beloved, thank you. Oh, my God. Is he here? 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh my God, was he, he’s on mic.

 

Halle Kiefer: Here with us now. He. So unfortunately, Alison can’t make it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I will be introducing it and then we’ll enjoy The Babadook in case you are someone who has seen it or can actually watch horror movies. We did talk about if Alison came, you were like, do I have to watch it? I was like, no, just go wait at a bar. [laughter] Don’t force yourself to watch it.  

 

Alison Leiby: I was like, oh, no, we’re really getting into what I didn’t want this podcast to become, which is me watching scary things. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You will never have to do that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Thank you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Not on my watch Alison.

 

Alison Leiby: No. Minimal amount of watching. Yes. So L.A., please come to that and everyone else. We’re doing another live show Sunday, August 27th at 7 p.m. Eastern 4 p.m. Pacific. Get your tickets at Moment.co/Ruined. So I can ruin Sharknado for Halle. That’s what’s happening so. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I truly can’t wait. 

 

Alison Leiby: The—

 

Halle Kiefer: How’d those sharks get in there?

 

Alison Leiby: The tagline for the movie is. Enough said. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: I love that shit. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like on the poster. The poster is deranged. I just am so psyched. We’re going have so much fun. So get your tickets Moment.co/Ruined. Sunday, August 27th. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. The writer is Thunder Levin that’s who I was trying to think of. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Hell yeah. And shout out my mother. I feel like my mother and I. One crossover of our tastes are the Sharknados, but they they are the Snakes on a Plane. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean they are like, you know, here we are. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Enough said. 

 

Alison Leiby: Enough said. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Great. Well, let’s get into it. Enough said about that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Enough said. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’re taking our our vacation horror movies with a movie I had long been meaning to watch and simply didn’t hadn’t gotten around to. But a delightful little film from 2019, called The Beach House. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It was written and directed by Jeffrey A. Brown as his feature directorial debut and absolutely a treat and absolutely a simple premise, a simple movie with very few cast members and beautifully done. Alison. We also like to have Alison watch the trailer. Alison, what are your thoughts about the beach house trailer? 

 

Alison Leiby: Chilling. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mm hmm. 

 

Alison Leiby: Really upsetting. Seems like violent sexual assault is possibly or at least some violence. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Uh oh, I was like, oh, did we watch the wrong trailer. This is a this. It’s only a who cares. I mean, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Murray Bartlett, is Murray Bartlett in this? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Let me see. No— [laughter] 

 

Alison Leiby: I almost checked with you to be like, was it because it was 2018? Like it came out like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s 2019. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, see, that’s like I feel like even if I’d asked, you would have been like, oh, yeah, probably like, I feel like it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah.

 

Alison Leiby: Well there is—

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s totally fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: There is a pretty fucked up movie called The Beach House or Beach House with—

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh my God. 

 

Alison Leiby: —Murray Bartlett. And like, it looks like it’s like this woman’s like ex from years ago comes to their beach house and then he is like a photographer who takes violent photo like photos—

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh shit. 

 

Alison Leiby: —that depict violence, and then like, he falls in love with their, like, 19 year old daughter. I don’t know. It looks really fucked. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, no. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s really interesting. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, Well. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, we should it definitely looked scary. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: There’s also a 2018 movie, The Beach House, starring Minka Kelly, Andie MacDowell and Chad Michael Murray. It is a Lifetime movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay well, that’s one that I would watch. 

 

Halle Kiefer: About a woman who’s trying to move beyond a difficult past but is forced to grapple with history head on when she returns to fix the family’s beach house. Unfortunately, this movie, the Beach Beach House, will not be fixed, because what happens at the beach house stays at the beach house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But then unfortunately also spreads to the rest of the world. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. Well, I can’t weigh in on the trailer. I didn’t watch it. I watched something else. [laughs]  

 

Halle Kiefer: What was the scariest thing about the trailer you watched? 

 

Alison Leiby: The guy is showing Polaroids to the daughter and it’s her. But she doesn’t remember it happening. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s terrifying. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That sounds horrible. We’re not doing that one. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, okay. Well. Anyway, that was scary. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: All right, we’ll, we’ll eventually have to get around to that one. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, how would you feel? We, we always, like, take a baseline scary, Alison, of the movie we’re actually doing today. [laughter] Alison, how scary would you find it if there was something wrong with the water? 

 

Alison Leiby: [gasps] Oh, no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s, wait the water in the plumbing or the water in the ocean?

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh the water just about everywhere Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh no. I mean. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The water is all connected. It all meets up with it with each other. 

 

Alison Leiby: That itself, terrifying. I don’t like the water getting messed with. And also, like, you don’t even realize how much water you’re like when you’re in a beach house, like you’re in water, you’re constantly showering. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re drinking water, you clean things like it is just. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You’re cooking. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re cooking. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, unfortunately. And I will say, like one of my top fears is the day we all wake up and we turn on the faucet and there’s no water. 

 

Alison Leiby: I know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I don’t want that to happen. But that it looms large in my imagination. 

 

Alison Leiby: Absolutely. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I was at a party. I, I am, like, so unhinged right now. And I’m just it’s just where I’m at in my queer journey and journey in general. I, I went to a party with coworkers and I was like, oh, whatever, blah, blah. I was like, It’s not going to happen because we’re not do anything about climate change. We’re gonna be sucking dirty water out of old newspapers out of the garbage dump. And like, as soon as I said, I’m like we’re at a party. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m so sorry.

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m sorry we’re at a party. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re trying to enjoy yourself, aren’t you? I’m clearly not. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m still. We all should still be hearing caring about this. But yeah, it was like, oh, I shouldn’t even be at a party right now. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I get that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Would you like to guess [laughter] the twist of the movie we are doing? Which, of course you have not seen the trailer for. And you know only one thing about it, which is Alison, there’s  something wrong with the water.

 

Alison Leiby: Oh boy. Okay. 

 

[voice over]: Guess the twist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Here. Let me add one thing about the water. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It feels different. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, okay. I’m going to guess that there was nuclear testing somewhere. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ooh, great. 

 

Alison Leiby: And it’s make and it’s like the water is different. But it’s from—

 

Halle Kiefer: Hell yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: —that as a source and it’s changing how people like feel and act and behave. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Great. Perfect guess. No notes. I did try to Google a fact about water. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, what did you find out? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, well, in 2011 in Today, an article published Indiana Mom Dies of Water Toxicity and apparently she was thirsty and drank four bottles of water in 20 minutes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And died. And I was like, I absolutely could and might and might actually die this way. I could absolutely drink way too much water. 

 

Alison Leiby: I would say that I am usually drinking more water than less water in comparison to like what we’re supposed to have. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like, I drink a lot of water. I’m drinking water now. Not to brag. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay brag much. I’m drinking water and a coffee, which is water in a way. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s two waters, that’s bean water and regular water. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, let’s see what happens to our the four people we meet up at the beach house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In this film, let us begin ruining 2019’s The Beach House. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not to be confused with 2018’s The Beach House. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. Which we already have a barely. We open on a glimmering blue ocean and the water dances across it. We plunge beneath the surface, Alison, where we find nothing. Or do we? No.   Unfortunately, we see what appears to be silt or sediment sort of billowing up from the depths of the ocean. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it looks almost like black smoke pouring out of, like, deep sea coral. So there’s some sort of vent or something. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That is spewing some sort of sediment from the deep up towards the beach house. 

 

Alison Leiby: The beach house. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Now, it’s shot in Cape Cod. And I guess I have never been to Cape Cod because I was like, are we in Delaware or are we in Maine? I couldn’t place. 

 

Alison Leiby: Love that. Gorgeous. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, because it’s like long, like tall grass, but like big houses that aren’t crowded. So you’re not getting a boardwalk you know what I mean? 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, no, right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s not like that kind of beach. 

 

Alison Leiby: But it’s also not the Hamptons. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Yes, and it’s on the West Coast, obviously. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We meet up with our protagonists, Emily and Randall, who are college students, they are driving up towards the beach house, which is Randall’s parents place. And Randall’s dad is named Doc, which I think is a cute nickname. And he and she Emily gets out of the car. She’s like, wow, there really is no one here. He’s like, oh, it’s off season. No one’s here until after Memorial Day. It implies that they’re going. I think they’re like on spring break or something. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they’re because they’re five weeks from the end of the semester. So let’s say it’s spring break. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They’re here and she’s like great. We have the whole beach to ourselves. It sounds fun. They have recently reconnected. So they are, you know, they’re back in it. They are extremely horny. They’re like passionately kissing. And as they walk in, Randall tells her, I’ve been thinking about this. You have no idea. And she tells him, I missed you. And they immediately go upstairs to fuck and. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Afterwards, Randall’s asleep. It’s the middle of the day, and Emily listens to the ocean. It made me want to go to a beach house so fucking bad. [laughs]

 

Alison Leiby: I love the beach. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ooh. 

 

Alison Leiby: I haven’t been at all. I went, I was in the Hamptons for a few hours doing shows and we carved out an hour to go to the beach, and I was like, man, I love it here. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I really I should have made plans to travel when I was off from work, but I didn’t. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like that’s the last thing you want to do. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. The idea. Going to the airport. That part. I just can’t stand town. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see, Emily, she just puts on her shirt and she goes to go to the bathroom. Alison, when she’s in the bathroom, she washes her hands. And we can see from the way she’s sort of handling it, the water already doesn’t feel right. 

 

Alison Leiby: Hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But that’s such a specific personal interpretation of a sensory thing. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That she she doesn’t really she’s like, I don’t know what this means, but it’s probably fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she doesn’t have time for that because she looks and there’s a weekly pill reminder case on the sink, and she opens a medicine cabinet. It’s full of a ton of medication and personal items. Whose shit is this? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, what? 

 

Halle Kiefer: In the beach house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. And where are they? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And where are they? They go downstairs and she finds there’s, like, breakfast dishes on the counter. There’s still like a pan with, like egg residue. And she looks and to see and sees a patio door open and a woman walk in. Meanwhile, Emily is just wearing a shirt and kind of like ducks behind the doorway to see. And we watch the woman sit down. We see her from behind and we hear her doing something, which has this very visceral, disgusting sound. And we find out later that she’s shucking oysters. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: When you first see it, I’m like, what is the noise she is making? I was like, Is she just sucking somebody’s eyeball out of their fucking skull? You know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Ugh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So Emily is panicked. She’s like, there’s an elderly woman shucking oysters in the house. Runs upstairs, tells Randall to get dressed. She gets dressed and Randall’s like there’s no way. Maybe it’s like someone came to the wrong Airbnb. Like, let’s just go. We’ll figure it out. And they go downstairs. 

 

Alison Leiby: And figure it out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right? Like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If it’s an old lady we’ll just talk to her and which again, I’ll be like, we’re leaving immediately. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, no. Of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We go downstairs, we see her bucket, and she’s disappeared. And so she has heard them in the house. And she peeks her head around the doorway and says, Hello? And Randall says,  what are you doing in my house? The woman apologizes. I’m so sorry. Doc didn’t say any anyone would be here. These are good friends of Randall’s father Doc. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This is Jane and her husband, Mitch, who went to the grocery store. And she tells Randall, oh, my God, I knew you as a kid. I haven’t seen you. I mean, since you were knee high to a grasshopper. And it kind of has this, like, moment of like, oh, my God, you’re like an adult. And I have, you know, I saw you when you were five or whatever, when we also had a beach house here. Mitch arrives home and they’re both delighted to see them. And it’s like this. Very sweet. Before things take a turn. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s sort of like, oh, I knew you as a kid and look at you all grown up. And we—

 

Alison Leiby: I’m getting like, waves of the visits. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mitch taught with Randall’s dad like 20 years ago. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And and he’s like, oh, my God, it’s so good to see you. Emily is very apologetic. And says, like, I’m so sorry. We didn’t realize we could go stay at a hotel. But Mitch and Jane say, no, it’s totally fine. We have plenty of room. There’s plenty of bedrooms. Let us grill out tonight. Well, you could stay for dinner, and Randall immediately accepts. But Emily is the one who’s like, what the fuck’s going on? So she goes to get their bags in the car, aka going outside to smoke a cigarette. 

 

Alison Leiby: Of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she’s sitting on a patio and on the wooden walkway she sees on the walkway a weird pulsating, like tendril or worm, like a dying worm. But again, every time she notices something, there’s another distraction. Randall comes out and Emily just immediately starts a fight. He’s like, okay, so you didn’t even tell your dad that we were coming here, right? Because if you had. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He would have told you these people were here, yeah.

 

Alison Leiby: This would have clearly come up.

 

Halle Kiefer: And Randall says, No, I haven’t spoken. My father like things have been strained, which is a very rich person thing because I was like, oh. So I went to the beach house without telling. Like, what are you talking about? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not for us. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Finally, though, Emily is like, we’re going to have it out. Also, these are college juniors and they are very like, you know, erudite and sensitive and try to explain themselves. And she says, you left school, you broke up with me. I don’t get a call, and then I just get some cryptic emails. You come back and now we’re back at it like nothing happened. And Randall’s like, I’m really sorry. I just needed some time. I fucked up. But we’re here now and I really want to, like, reconnect and make it up to you. Like, I, I, I’m here, and I really am sorry. So. And that’s all that Emily wanted to hear is like, okay, great. If you’re actually going to if this is actually happening, let’s fucking do this. And it’s going to be a weekend at the beach house with Mitch and Jane.

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, boy. Fun with the elders. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So. That night, Mitch regales them he’s talking about the time that three year old Randall ate oysters and then threw up. And he has always, hated them. But Emily sort of teases Randall into eating an oyster, which he does. But then she doesn’t eat any. Meaning she is the only one who doesn’t eat oyster. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, and the oysters came from. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The water. 

 

Alison Leiby: The water.

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. Mitch asks Emily, so, what are you studying? And she tells him she’s finishing her junior in chemistry and she wants to go to grad school in astrobiology at the University of Washington. And luckily. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Luckily, Mitch says, what’s astrobiology? 

 

Alison Leiby: Thank God. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I was like please don’t breeze past this, I’m like, What? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’ve never heard that word. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So but it’s very interesting. And I think, again, it sets up what we’re going to be dealing with in the movie. And she says basically studying organisms on earth that live in extreme environments to then draw conclusions about possible life on other planets. So, for example,. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: At the bottom of the ocean, there are, you know, certain organisms that could never survive on the surface like we can. What if there’s a plant that is more like the bottom of the ocean, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Sort of like what if there’s something that feeds off of these vents that would die if it was up here or if it got up here, who knows what would happen. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well. Feel like we’re going to find out what would happen. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And she says—

 

[clip of Liana Liberato]: Where the right combination of elements, the right temperature, the right distance from the sun. And, one thing slightly off and we would be nothing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Mitch and Jane are like, oh, wow, that’s really cool. Like, you know, we didn’t know about it. But then Mitch asks Randall, what do you study? And Randall goes on this very college like, you know, college just farms graduates. It’s just a moneymaking endeavor, which is true. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But then he also was like, what’s even the point? Like, like there’s only one inevitable conclusion where it’s like marrying, having kids, paying taxes like sports on Sunday. Meanwhile, Emily clearly wants to be with him. I don’t know if marriage is on the table because they’re so young. But like Emily also gave this very eloquent explanation of what she gets out of her schooling and why she’s it’s important to her. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. And he’s like, that’s dumb. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. It’s like, okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Mitch says, Hey, hey, hey, sports on Sunday, Sunday’s is great. I coach a state level baseball team, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But then Randall says, Look, I’m just trying to figure it out. Like, I just and I think that’s fair. It’s like I’m just taking some time. I didn’t want to just blindly go forward. And Mitch says, you know, it’s really complicated and it’s really you should be grateful you have the time to figure it out. But let’s keep your mind open to people who don’t think like you, meaning Emily. And Jane. They look over and Jane is basically in tears and she says, you know, you should be thankful for the time you have. And I just think we’re so fortunate to be here. It’s really nice. And then you remember, oh, yeah, all those fucking pills in the bathroom. She’s got cancer or some other terminal illness. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something’s not working. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. So she’s really emotional. And, you know, the kids are nice to them and they have a nice dinner. And then Randall goes to get a new bottle of wine from the fridge. But it’s like a half bottle of chardonnay. And they didn’t bring any wine. It’s like, I’m really sorry. This is our last bottle, but I do have something else. And Randall pulls out his weed chocolate and asks them, Have you ever had edibles before? And the sort of the two couples sort of like, like break off and Emily is under her breath is like, What did they tell your dad? I think it’s a little inappropriate. And two, Jane is on a ton of medication so should we just be giving her this chocolate?

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah right.

 

Halle Kiefer: And then meanwhile, Mitch and Jane are having the same convo, except Jane is like, whatever. We’re not driving. But what she’s obviously saying is, like, I’m dying of cancer. Let’s have some fun. 

 

Alison Leiby: Let me have some fucking edibles. Yeah.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. It it’s funny because this came out in 2019, and I feel like even since and the idea of like, oh, weed chocolate it’s like, yeah, who cares? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, who cares? It’s not. Yeah, it’s fine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. You’re going to sell some of it and sit around a beach house, you are going to be fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s how most of us are going to get through, you know, the near-future [laughs] and Mitch, comes over is like, so do we cut it into quarters or how does it work? How does it work? So they all have some and they’re kind of vibing. Randall puts on some vinyl and Jane asks Emily more about astrobiology. And of course, as we see Jane talking, we also see the sediment billowing up from the bottom of the ocean. In case we didn’t get the connection. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she says, basically one of the theories right now about how life forms on planet Earth was that something foreign a.k.a something alien must have entered the environment for nucleic acids to form at all. Like there’s. They can’t figure it out. How otherwise, how else would this have happened? And they think it happened at the bottom of the ocean and life first started there. Then everything sort of like, evolved from there. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Jane’s, of course, stones, and she’s like, that’s crazy. That’s so beautiful. Like, she’s eating it up, you know? Mitch is cleaning up the kitchen from dinner is obviously stoned. Alison. He touches the running water and he notices the texture of the water is different. And he has this moment when sort of, like, the conversation drops out. He just has ringing in his ears. 

 

Alison Leiby: Does it look the same? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Looks the same.

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Again. But something is wrong with the water. 

 

Alison Leiby: Something is wrong with the water. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Mitch says out loud to himself. Soft water. Alison, the water is so soft. 

 

Alison Leiby: What does that mean? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know. Emily tells Jane know she’s going to get her diving license. So she can actually do dives. And her goal is like she wants to study these, like, incredibly hard to get to places. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In the ocean and find out what is there. 

 

Alison Leiby: What’s down there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then Jane finally puts it together like, okay, the place down there, there could be like an alien planet, you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Emily is like, yeah, the thing is, like, all the planets we have explored are too harsh to explore, to support life. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We are the exception. And that’s crazy because we’re so delicate. Like, all life on the planet is so delicate. If something were to change, everything would be affected. Again, that’s what’s going to happen in the— 

 

Alison Leiby: Fuck around and find out time. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And Jane said, what do you think it would have looked like the planet like this primordial times. And Emily’s like, I’ll be honest, it would have been like boiling gas, churning like chaos, unstable, like the the things that grew first grew in this, like, roiling pot of elements, basically. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which is insane to think about and here we are recording podcasts. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s crazy. I’m like Chex Mix. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, from chaos comes Chex Mix. Please pay us in Chex. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, would love a Chex sponsorship. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, Randall’s lying on the carpet just listening to, you know, music. And we see sort of like again, Jane closes her eyes and we see the bottom of the ocean. It’s like malevolent, barren, these plumes of debris just billowing up and they all kind of vibe out, which is probably what I’m going to do on my two weeks off. I’m like, I cannot wait. This sounds incredible.

 

Alison Leiby: Take a gummy and chill. 

 

Halle Kiefer: When Emily opens her eyes, she sees that Randall, Mitch and Jane are out on the patio and they all run out and they see all this bioluminescence in the water and it’s on the rocks and also in the pine trees near the water. Have you ever seen bioluminescence? 

 

Alison Leiby: I have never seen that. And the northern lights are two things I’d really like to see. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’ll be honest. I’ve seen both. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: I’ve seen bioluminescence in Delaware, actually. My aunt and uncle live there. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I wanted. I don’t I mean, I don’t know what they are. I guess it’s algae. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s algae. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And then one time growing up, I think it happened multiple times, but I only remember, one time you could see the northern lights from where I lived in Ohio. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I had this very I remember seeing this like the the vivid green of it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Whew. I want to see it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I actually now that I’m saying it, I think my uncle went to either Iceland or Greenland like there’s some trip you take. 

 

Alison Leiby: I want to go to Iceland.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And when they went, they didn’t see it. [laughter] And then that—

 

Alison Leiby: See that’s what I’m worried about. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The guys are like, Sorry. There’s just, like, literally no way. This is like when it usually happens. And I guess I assume climate change would affect that too, like when—

 

Alison Leiby: It’s gotta.

 

Halle Kiefer: Or if you see it. So, see it now, I guess.

 

Alison Leiby: Bioluminescence I’m always hoping to see, but I have yet to.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. I’ve seen it once. It is beautiful in real, I mean it was, you can see it online, but it’s very beautiful. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Mitch is like, Oh my God. And it’s just very vivid purple. So it’s not like a green blue. It’s like this alien looking glowing purple. And Emily says, It’s really strange that it’s on the rocks and in the trees. It’s normally just in the water because it’s algae. So it’s like, it must have been the microbes must’ve been swept up by the wind and blown into the trees. So it’s sort of like draping everything. And Jane, because she’s tripping, says, can we go down to the water and see it up close? And Mitch says, Yeah, let’s just like get our shoes on. And Jane runs in to get her shoes. Randall goes inside to change the record and Mitch hangs Emily while she smokes a cigarette. And he’s like, I know I’m not your father, but you’re going to be a scientist. You’re smoking cigarettes? It’s 2019. Like, you can’t be doing this. And she says, You know, I want to be a scientist, but I still do dumb shit. And that’s like the truest thing imaginable. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I like that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Inside Jane’s like getting her shoes, and she tells Randall, I’m having so much fun. Like, I love this music just sounds alive. I feel really great. And Randall’s like, All right, so I was ready to bring out the chocolate. Okay. You know, And we see Jane exit the front door. Out in the back. Mitch and Mitch, who assumes Jane is going to come back to the patio and find him. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mitch tells Emily it kind of smells out here like it has a smell. And Emily is like, I don’t think that it would. He says, Well, do you think the sewage is backed up? I felt a little light headed and the water was weird. So now they’re thinking, oh, is there something—

 

Alison Leiby: Contamination. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But then he’s like, Wait a minute, where the fuck did my wife go? I need to look out for her. She’s not well. He runs back inside. Jane has left. Jane has walked down out the front door and is walking down to the waterfront alone. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ooh, not great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this isn’t just like. Like a blanket or like a layer of bioluminescence. It looks like Spanish moss. It’s like hanging—

 

Alison Leiby: Okay like it’s hanging. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, it looks like purple cotton, sort of. But then when she touches one, you never touch it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Don’t touch it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Don’t touch it with your bare hands. 

 

Alison Leiby: Don’t touch it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Put a mask on. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Throw a stick at it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Put a glove on. At least tell yourself you tried before. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: What’s going to happen, happens to you. And she touches it and it comes away slimy. And when she does, all of the particulates start billowing out and she starts coughing. And I guess it’s like microbes. In my mind, it’s spores. But microbes—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —or what they, what they—

 

Alison Leiby: Whatever, aren’t those. Yeah.

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl, this is not a science podcast. 

 

Alison Leiby: This is not science. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We don’t know. Anything about anything.

 

Alison Leiby: We don’t know what we’re talking about. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mitch and Emily run in and say, Do you know where Jane went? And he’s like, Oh yeah, I think she went outside I thought she came to get you. Mitch is now in a panic because he’s super stoned and so is Jane, and he doesn’t know even where she was. So he runs down to the waterfront to look for his wife, and Emily starts coughing with the door open, says, you know, it’s really strong. But she’s not clear, like, is what I’m happening because of the weed and like I’m having some sort of reaction. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Is this really as intense? Like what is happening? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Is it is this also like, just in my mind blown out so like, yeah, there’s stuff around, but am I seeing or experiencing something like stronger then what the reality is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And Randall is basically falling asleep on the carpet, not listening. And Emily starts to feel woozy and sits down. And when she does, we see that again. She doesn’t really understand the microbes situation. She looks out. It does. It looks like a dense fog is rolling in. So it’s so thick she assumes that it’s fog. And they hear Mitch calling for Jane out in the fog. And Emily sort of struggles to, like, potentially go and help them. But she sits down hard on the ground and she says to Randall, I don’t feel good and she passes out. Emily wakes up hours later in the dead of night. It’s like two in the morning. Randall’s next to her on the carpet. She shakes him awake and she gets up and she sees the bathroom doors open a crack, and as she sort of approaches she hears, Jane, vomiting over and over again. And when she get’s close to the door, you see Mitch’s eye appear in the crack before he shuts the door. Up in their bedroom. Emily and Randall collapse and in the glow of the lamp. Emily sees that the particulates have gotten inside, sort of glimmering in the lamplight. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But she’s tired. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Falls asleep, and we sort of fade between the. The dust and the ocean. In the morning, Emily wakes up with a gasp and realizes it’s past noon, and she says, I feel like I’m still stoned somehow. And she wakes up Randall, and she’s like, it’s afternoon. We have to get the fuck up. What’s going on? And Randall gets up. He’s like, I also think I’m stoned. Like, I’m sorry. That was way stronger. I didn’t realize, like, how fucked up we’d be Jane and Mitch were out of her fucking minds. Yeah. Emily goes to the window and we see there’s a film on the window, and she kind of draws her finger through it. It’s, of course, more of the particulates, but the fog is lifted, so it’s a beautiful day. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Clearly, this was like a nighttime, a nocturnal emission. It was. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Whatever they bioluminescence was up to during the evening. It has calmed down now that it’s daytime again, and they both get dressed and Randall’s like, I’m really sorry. I thought. I thought they would enjoy it. I didn’t realize it would be so messed up. And she’s like, Yeah, well, she’s got a ton of fucking medication and they’re elderly.

 

Alison Leiby: And like they’re old and they’re probably not consuming a lot of marijuana. Like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. We fucking fucked them up. Emily gets to the bottom of the steps and sees Jane again sitting at the table looking out the picture window. She calls to her. Jane doesn’t turn around. She approaches Jane and sees all of her pill bottles are open and her pills are all over the table. She approaches Jane, who again, we haven’t seen her face yet. And Emily says, Where’s Mitch? And Jane turns to her completely dead eyed and asks Mitch? Alison, what would you do? 

 

[voice over]: What would you do? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m calling the hospital to come get her and the police to look out for Mitch, and I’m hightailing it the fuck out of there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’re getting out of there. 

 

Alison Leiby: We’re hitting the bricks, baby. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Best case scenario, you inadvertently got an elderly woman so high that she has had some sort of mental or physical break. 

 

Alison Leiby: Psychotic break. Yeah.

 

Halle Kiefer: And she needs care. And her husband, who knows her medical situation and you don’t. It’s nowhere to be found. And also you’re 21? Like 20? Like you are not somebody who has any experience to know how to handle this. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Call professionals like again. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t love calling the cops, but like to keep an eye out for a guy and to come pick up a lady and take her to a hospital, like, fine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. And I mean like, hopefully they’ll. The paramedics will show up. They wouldn’t immediately shoot Jane. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I, you never know. 

 

Alison Leiby: You never know.

 

Halle Kiefer: So of course Emily is like, okay, great. So we broke an elderly woman. So we got that going for us. And we see Jane sort of get up with a lurch and she’s still in her nightgown and she painfully like hunches over, like sort of climbs her way up the stairs, right as Randall is coming down. And he’s trying to say like, Oh, do you need help, or are you okay? She doesn’t reply or acknowledge them, just sort of hunches over and pulls herself up the banister. 

 

Alison Leiby: What is up with the water? 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they’re like, We got to find Mitch. She is taking a turn for the worse. We poisoned this woman or something. So but luckily, they’re also going to put on their bathing suits because they’re going to go on the beach. So they go down the wooden stairs to the beach. No Mitch. And Randall’s thinking, did he just leave? Like, why wouldn’t he leave a note? Like did he go to the grocery store?

 

Alison Leiby: Right, right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, your wife, like she was throwing up all night, you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Emily says, Could we just sit down on the beach for a minute? It’s so hot out. I’m so tired. And they sort of strip down. They lay out and look out over the ocean. And Randall says, Well, maybe Mitch went swimming. Maybe he’ll be back in a minute. And they both lay down and start falling asleep and Randall jerks up. His stomach hurts. And I’m assuming that’s because he had an oyster. I think we’re supposed to assume that he is. He it doesn’t sit well with him. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he says, Wait here. I’m going to go take a shit of a lifetime and I don’t need you to be in the house like I am about to blast off. 

 

Alison Leiby: I appreciate his honesty and and warning. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He said it’s a guy which I think is funny, but also I’m like. I do like the idea of a shit so insane that it must be gendered. [laughter] Like, it was like, the only way I can convey to you this is to conjure the specter of gender into this. Is very funny, too. Unfortunately, Alison, when he runs off, we see that he leaves his shoes there and his. He puts his car keys in the shoe. So now we know the car keys are there in the shoe on the beach.

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He runs in. He runs to the restroom, of course. He starts feeling the water in the restroom. Alison. And not only is it thick, it’s thick as slime. It’s like it looks like saliva. Like it’s thick. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ugh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he looks and it’s not draining. It’s collecting. It’s full of particulates and like, white filaments, like, sort of clogging the drain. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh boy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just then Alison, he hears a loud thud like someone falling down upstairs. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, well, guess who that is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Randall, because he is struggling to find his path. But he is a good person. He’s like, I guess I gotta go check. Check on Jane.

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah you do.

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, down on the beach, Emily is staring at the ocean, and suddenly Mitch just fucking appears right next to her. And he says, Why is there no one else here? Isn’t it strange there’s no one else on this beach, like not even one other house. And he says, it’s always been beautiful here, but something feels really off. I’ve never felt like this before here. And he sits down and he’s talking about to spill his guts. He’s like, The reason I brought Jane here is like, this is our going to be our last vacation. She’s terminally ill. And I really wanted to have a really good time. And I think she had a really great time last night. But it’s just he says. 

 

[clip of Jake Weber]: When you see someone change, you know, won’t get any better. There’s no going back. Scares me to death. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Emily says, well, basically like, So how much time’s she got? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Or like, What are we talking about? And Mitch doesn’t even reply he says, You know, we’re so fortunate and it’s so nice out today. And Mitch gets up and he’s kind of staggering around like still acting stoned. So again, she just assumes oh he’s still stoned to and she says are you are you okay? Is everything all right with you? He’s like, Honestly? Yeah, I’m going to go for a swim. Alison. She watches him take off his shirt, get his swim trunks and walk into the water. And he just keeps going and going. And he’s getting deeper and deeper. And Emily’s watching, getting more and more upset, and she calls to home like Mitch. Mr. Turner? Alison he keeps going until just his head’s above the water, and then it dips below and he disappears. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, God. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Emily runs like sprints down the waterfront. But first of all, he’s super far out. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Second of all, he’s gone, right? There’s no way he. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He did that deliberately. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. That wasn’t like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, boy. There’s a riptide. Like, he. He chose to walk out until he was out—

 

Halle Kiefer: He marched his way into the deep. There’s not much you can do about that. Meanwhile, Randall gets to Jane’s door and hears Jane moaning. Coughing, groaning, you know, what you’re doing behind a closed door in a horror movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He listens to the door and he’s like, well, fuck. And he opens it. When Emily runs down and gets to the waterfront, she steps on a pile of slime. She looks down and it looks like a Portuguese man of war jellyfish. But it looks like a jellyfish you’ve never seen before. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like gelatinous kind of?

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. So it’s basically like a big lump. I would describe it as. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It is the size and color of if a dog was turned outside, inside out. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like fleshy pink and the size of a small dog. And it has sort of like ridges on the top and then it has underneath it has sort of a pile of tentacles that she steps right in. 

 

Alison Leiby: Also, girl, look where you’re walking. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl you could have seen that. 

 

Alison Leiby: You could have seen that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You were far enough away. 

 

Alison Leiby: The size of like looking like an inside out small dog with tentacles. Like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re not missing that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This is not a golf ball. This is not it’s not even a football. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This is a sizable entity that you are putting your foot in. She looks down just in time to see what one of the tentacles which is sentient or can move on its own. Like a worm enters the skin of her foot. It drives itself into the sole of her foot. Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ugh. No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah you hate to see it. 

 

Alison Leiby: I hate to see it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Needless to say Mitch is gone and she now can basically not walk on her foot because there’s a worm in it. So she starts dragging herself across the sand, screaming, makes it to the wooden steps. But it’s one of those where it’s like it’s essentially three stories up. Like it’s like an insane number of steps. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She has to crawl her way up the steps. Alison. Screaming for Randall the whole time. He can’t hear. She gets to the house, she gets into the kitchen, and she examines her foot wound and she sees the head of the worm duck back into the wound on her foot. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so she says, looking at the kitchen sink, and she finds distilled white vinegar for cleaning. And she’s a braver woman than I. She just fucking dumps it onto her worm foot. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. I think in the moment of crisis, I could do the stuff that I can’t imagine doing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, and worth a shot. Like, I mean, like, I don’t know if vinegar is really going to do it. It’s going to be like, oh, this is delicious. 

 

Alison Leiby: It won’t make it. Like it might hurt more, but it’s not going to like, make the things worse moving forward. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Then she grabs a pair of tongs and a butter knife and starts pulling the worm out of her foot. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, my God. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It is insanely long. It looks like a big strand of spaghetti. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ugh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she drops it on the ground and it’s, it writhes around. Fortunately, she finds a first aid kit. She bandages her foot and takes one of Jane’s painkillers. A very smart. I would—

 

Alison Leiby: That is very—

 

Halle Kiefer: —just be screaming the whole time.

 

Alison Leiby: No I would have found the pills. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: She gets up, she changes, she puts on a pair of her shoes, and as she does, she’s changing in her room. We see Randall crawl by on the hallway floor on his stomach. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she turns just in time to see him sliding by. He runs over and he’s sort of gagging and struggling. And he looks behind her. And we see Jane, whose eyes are a hard boiled egg, white, crawling her way out of her room behind them. And Alison, at this point, I got to ask you, who will survive? 

 

[voice over]: Who will survive? 

 

Alison Leiby: Only Emily. And it’s not going to be good, like it’s going to be bad every well, Mitch is gone, Jane is almost gone. Randall seems not long for this world, and I think just because she didn’t eat the oysters, so she hasn’t ingested this thing that she has a chance, though it did get into her foot and we don’t know if it’s all out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. These are all excellent points that you’re putting together, Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t know what happens to Murray Bartlett and the 19 year old who he takes photos of [laughter] at the other beach house—

 

Halle Kiefer: Murray Bartlett gets killed. I’m calling it now. Murray Bartlett, also, what is Murray Bartlett from? Because you keep saying Murray Bartlett like I should know that name. And I don’t know who Murray Bartlett is. 

 

Alison Leiby: He was in The White Lotus. That was his like, break out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Wait which one, the first or the second season?

 

Alison Leiby: The first one. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, I didn’t see the first one yet. 

 

Alison Leiby: He was Armand. Oh okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I only watched the second one because I’m a maniac. 

 

Alison Leiby: And then he was in the. Did you watch the Hulu show about Chippendales? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I did not. 

 

Alison Leiby: He was in that as well. And then he was also in an episode of Sex and the City in like 2000. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, but which episode? Because I have seen Sec and the City. 

 

Alison Leiby: He or not even, it was like season two or three. He’s like a handsome gay guy that Carrie meets at a gay bar who then, like, I think comes on to her later. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, okay. I was gonna say—

 

Halle Kiefer: Maybe not. 

 

Alison Leiby: —is he the gay straight guy that Charlotte goes out with. But I think I’m thinking, of a different person. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, he. It’s a Carrie friendship, I think. I don’t know. He but he was like in this old episode of Sex and the City and then, like, kind of had a re—

 

Halle Kiefer: Good for him. 

 

Alison Leiby: Good for him. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. Luckily, Randall and Emily make it down the stairs, only for Jane to literally barrel roll after them. Like they kind of struggle down, and then you just see [laughter] her body fucking fly down the stairs. They get out to the patio and luckily they’re able to shut the door, then tie the door closed with the hose. It doesn’t really matter because seconds later, Jane, who again is a terminally ill cancer patient and an elderly woman, fucking just punches through the glass. An unfortunate development. 

 

Alison Leiby: What? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Emily grabs Randall says, Where are the keys? And he says, I don’t know. We know they’re— 

 

Alison Leiby: We know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They’re in his shoes, but they’re on the beach. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And neither of them because they’re so freaked out by what’s happening.

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Of course. It’s like I wouldn’t be, like, must have the car keys on me. Like, you know, I would definitely also leave them. I would have probably just hurled them into the ocean by accident or something.

 

Halle Kiefer: 100%. Knowing, you. Knowing, you knowing me. Emily’s able to help Randall, who has been attacked by Jane. But also it just seems like maybe he’s a little. He’s also been able to fight himself. He might be sort of. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Headed down the same path. He. They run to the next house, bangs on the door. There’s nobody there. And Randall says, I feel horrible. I have to go to a hospital. Everything hurts. And Emily says, What did she do to you? Like what happened? He says, I tried to help her, but I don’t know what happened. It’s like I got knocked out. I don’t remember. Alison, night is falling. Emily looks up and sees the fog started to roll in again. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, no, it’s back. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And just as she does, they hear a gargling noise and they turn. And it’s the resident of the house they’re in front of crawling on his belly towards them, his eyes dead white. So he’s already been. 

 

Alison Leiby: So this is. Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The microbes have already gotten to him. He’s already been beach housed by this point. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Emily wisely says we need a car. Grabs Randall and they just start fucking making it down the streets. Like we just had to put some distance between us and Jane. And this guy. 

 

Alison Leiby: And the fog. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And the fog is so thick, they’re starting to choke and cough because obviously it’s not fog. It is particulates and spores. Randall collapses because he cannot walk. But she says to him, Look, there’s a flashing light in the distance. Someone has to be there. Now, I assumed it was like a train trestle or a radio tower, both of which no one has to be there. 

 

Alison Leiby: No one, no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison it is a crashed EMS pickup truck, which then reveals to us that this has already been like this has already expanded. This is not just them. There’s not only, someone called for help. And also the person going to bring help was affected because there’s nobody there. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Oh, God. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But Emily gets in the driver’s side and tries to use the radio for help, and she’s begging and she’s like, trying to give their location and eventually a voice kind of cuts in and out and says, Are you near the water? She says, Yes, we’re on such and such road. And the voice replies, Exposed. Everyone was exposed. Get indoors, seal the windows. Don’t breathe it in. And she says, Breathe what in, the fog? And the voice, of course, says, It’s not fog. And she loses the connection. Oh, the worst timing. The worst timing to lose a connection. She gets out and sort of limps back to Randall, who’s looking real worse. 

 

Alison Leiby: Rough. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Randall says, maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to come to the beach. This isn’t on you. Randall, I don’t think you. This is not an L you have to take.

 

Alison Leiby: No, you couldn’t be like, we should have known not to go to the beach house, because, you know, I have been talking to my dad much and also some outer space or deep under the sea. Microbes are flooding the area and killing everybody and or aliens. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And are turning them into some sort of, like undersea slime zombie. They get to the first house they can see, and Emily tries to call inside. No answer, sort of makes her way to the back of the building. And here’s my thing. At this point in the movie, they’ve already been choking on the fog. How much exposure do you need? Like they’ve been out in the fog for at least 20 minutes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Hours. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m sorry. Yeah, like, yeah, like last night. They were exposed to it. Today they were exposed to it. I just don’t know, you know to wit, Emily starts feel queasy and her vision’s blurring, and she Randall taps her on the shoulder and she’s like, Cover your eyes. And then just uses a board to bash in the window to this house. But then you’re like, well, the windows bashed. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, that’s. Yeah, the whole thing is like, it’s got to be sealed. But I guess you could go, like, into an upstairs room and see all that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And that’s what she’s going to do. And she’s trying to call out to see if anyone’s there. There’s no reply. And she pushes Randall up through the window and hauls herself in. Luckily, the house still has electricity, but as they walk towards the living Randall says it smells like rotten eggs and they see all this overturned, garbage strewn on the floor. So again, whoever was here also had some sort of fog related crisis. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Randall runs the land line. It’s dead. Emily starts going through the drawers looking for car keys. And that seems insane to me. Like if these are beach people. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They’re going to be on the counter or like, in someone’s purse. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They’re going to put it in a drawer. I’m sorry. Alison She turns on the water and the water runs out. It has the consistency and appearance of cum. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not what I thought you were going to say. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: You hate to see it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oof yeah. A cum faucet? No, thanks. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I this this Airbnb comes complete four bedrooms full cum faucet. That’s for somebody there’s somebody out there looking for that. 

 

Alison Leiby: There is somebody who is into that. Enjoy it, but a real cum faucet. Not whatever the hell this nightmare is.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And she’s trying to rationalize like it’s not fog that maybe it’s the algae bloom is become airborne or is a chemical spill affecting the air. And Randall says well either way, we’re fucked right? Which I thought was like—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah it kind of doesn’t matter what it is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Luckily in the house they have gallons of bottled water, so she gives Randall some to drink. And Randall says, I could feel it churning inside me. So much in the way that, like, the alien material came to Primordial Earth and was sort of churned into life, I think we’re to think like this is entering the atmosphere of the human body. 

 

Alison Leiby: Of the human body okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Churning, and creating some new life. 

 

Alison Leiby: No thanks. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know and it’s like. What could you do about that? 

 

Alison Leiby: Nope, nothing really. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He says, Oh, the TV. And she runs over turns on. It’s just the emergency broadcast symbol. They have no other fucking information available. They also find a radio and she’s able to turn to an AM station where somebody is broadcasting and they’re broadcasting from the Ocean Oceana Research Institute. Shout out to them if they were I hopefully if this happens, they’ll be able to broadcast. And they said—

 

[clip from The Beach House]: What is that? / It’s an AM station. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You guessed it, climate change. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, boy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it is spreading rapidly. And Randall says, We are in hell and then we’re fucked because Randall, like, knows what’s going on, you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Emily says, No, let’s think about this logically. If they’re broadcasting, that means other people are still alive. We’re still alive, we’re going to barricade the door and block off the window. And if we make it to morning, then the fog will roll out. And we could get the fuck out of town. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh it’s the best plan you can come up with. What else you gonna do? Randall tells her. I’m not going to make it to the morning. And it’s like we both know that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, we all know that.

 

Halle Kiefer: Emily is in love with him and is not going to hear it. She takes duct tape and she seals off the door to the bedroom where they came in. So it’s sort of sealing off the doors in order to create a airtight space to the best of their ability. But again, I’m like, doesn’t it come in through the ducts? Like most windows are airtight. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, especially like old beach houses. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. Yeah, like some old floorboards, you know? And on the radio, they keep going, like, in and out. But then they hear the announcer say, Those who become affected do not die. They change form. Emily sees there’s a basement door and looks down and sees, Oh, there’s two oxygen tanks like a scuba diver would use. And as a scuba diver, she’s like, Oh, we could breathe this oxygen. So she goes grabs one, hauls it upstairs. And as she does, we hear the announcer says, you know, it will continue our till our planet becomes like all the others. And Randall starts vomiting up the milky slime. Randall is starting to change form. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he vomits into his hand Alison. And he looks and it looks like a pale, like a beige baby jellyfish in his is his sputum? 

 

Alison Leiby: No.

 

Halle Kiefer: Emily—

 

Alison Leiby: Not that.

 

Halle Kiefer: Emily goes to the basement for the second tank, only to hear a chewing sound. And she turns to see a dead body. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ostensibly one of the homeowners. And then there’s another figure hunched over the dead body, a figure that is further along the transformation compared to Jane or Randall. It is a eyeless noseless humanoid monster covered in yellow brown slime. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ew. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it turns to look at her. Luckily, she’s able to fucking run upstairs and lock the door. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. But like how you, that thing’s in there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Also, Randall’s eyes have started to go white, and he is violently thrashing around on the ground. He is changing and he ends up he’s vomiting up his, you know, his milk mixture. He starts crawling to army crawling towards her zombie style? And Emily sobs, and I wrote, Well, I guess marriage and taxes are looking pretty good right now, huh, Randall. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, we never know where our life is going to go. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But you didn’t plan on this bud. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, Sunday sports sounds a lot better than throwing up weird baby jellyfish from outer space or the bottom of the sea. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There by the grace of God. Randall lunges for Emily and she hits some of the oxygen tank and ends up beating him to death, killing him. 

 

Alison Leiby: Smart. 

 

Halle Kiefer: What else. 

 

Alison Leiby: She had to. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. She sobs and she falls to the ground, and just then under the TV stand sees a pair of car keys. We’ll allow it. But come on, now. 

 

Alison Leiby: Come on now. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Come on now. At least put a little bowl in the near the table. Or near the door. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She takes one of the oxygen tanks with her to the car, breathing through it, and luckily, the car starts. Unfortunately Alison, I don’t know if you remember, there’s an insanely thick fog outside. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Like what? 

 

Halle Kiefer: She tries to drive down, but it’s like a windy sort of rural road. It’s not like a like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah

 

Halle Kiefer: A proper road. She drives for about, I’m going to say a hundred feet misses a turn and slams through a tree totaling in the car. And she drags herself out of the car and collapses. And we see that she’s dragged herself to the waterfront. So she’s basically on the ocean and she’s gasping and choking. And we see the film rise to the top of the water churning. And it made me think of the phenomenal program. I Think You Should Leave. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Every time they show it, I realize, oh, I keep thinking that it’s a cosmic gumbo. And we see the cosmic gumbo of this primordial alien microbe emerging to the surface and affecting the world as it exists. A delicate world that could be thrown off balance by anything probably human made. And in the morning we see sort of the blue sparkling sea like in the beginning and the fog is cleared and Emily is lying on the beach and her eyes are turning white and she’s telling herself over and over again, don’t be scared. Don’t be scared. And then a wave washes over her, and when it recedes, she’s gone. Alison, The Beach House. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, what are some fatal mistakes you think people made in The Beach House? 

 

[voice over]: Fatal mistakes. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, obviously going to the beach house. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. [both speaking]

 

Alison Leiby: Did not turn into the one spring break they were looking for. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mm hmm. 

 

Alison Leiby: I hate to say it, but eating the oyster. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It couldn’t have helped. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, it sped the process up because then it was just like, well, it’s in me now, but I mean, how do you avoid air and water? Like, I mean, you are. It’s there, that’s kind of it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You can’t. Yeah. That’s the end of it is like you literally cannot. And then after that it’s like Emily did everything right. She used—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah she was trying. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —she kept her wits about her. She helped Randall. She. She was trying to piece it all together. There is nothing you could do. 

 

Alison Leiby: There is nothing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I do love these kinds of movies because that the inevitable, the realism of the inevitability always gets me. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, that’s the like you did the best you could and you still ended up like. White-eyed sea zombie swept out into the ocean, so. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, you sure did. You sure did. 

 

Alison Leiby: At least they got high.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, and they had a nice night together. They reconnected. They. You know, I mean, they. They were rekindling their romance. You know, people people go out in worse ways. I mean, maybe not, but definitely they had a nice time at the beach house and. What more could you ask for? 

 

Alison Leiby: That seems like it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Certainly different than the movie I watched a trailer for. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which now we have to do—

 

Alison Leiby: We do have to do it. It was like, scary. So. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then finally, where would you put The Beach House on this spooky scale, Alison? 

 

[voice over]: A spooky scale. 

 

Alison Leiby: I think also because this is about the imminent danger of climate change, it’s getting a high. I’m going to give this like a seven and a half. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m going to give this a seven. I agree. I think just with climate change. Continuing quicker than scientists, but also like scientists have been trying to tell us—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, for decades. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, as long as we’ve been alive, like at least. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, in the you see, whatever. Yeah, exactly. Like, this is not something new scientists have been trying to tell us. But it sure does seem over the past couple of months that we’re hitting a different inflection point. And yeah, I agree. Watching this, it’s like, well, I don’t know if I’ll be this, but also, didn’t they find like some 500, 500,000 year old worm that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That came out of permafrost and then they brought it in the lab. They said it immediately started having babies. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. 

 

Alison Leiby: That sucks. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I’m sorry I gave them your home address. Is that okay? 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, they’re going to ship them to me, right? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I think they’re going to drive over there in their truck in their little worm. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh okay, in the worm truck, the worm mobile. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And they ask if they can rent your mouth as an Airbnb. And I was like, I probably. I don’t know. [laughter] But yeah—

 

Alison Leiby: There’s not a cum faucet in there, if that’s what they’re looking for. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh well then they’re not interested. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. Yeah. They were like, and we have to take out the trash? We’re out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, sorry. It was a 46,000 year old worm that came back to life and started to have and immediately have babies. [laughter] And I also don’t like the use of the word babies. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, babies. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like, what’s it called? Like little wormlets. Or maggots. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Something.

 

Halle Kiefer: The idea of a little baby. A worm having a baby. 

 

Alison Leiby: A baby. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just doesn’t sit right with me. 

 

Alison Leiby: Nope. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay. Out of the Siberian permafrost. Yeah. There’s just going to be more of this. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’ve people, we’ve talked about this before, but it’s like the spread of Lyme because of, like, ticks. There is now warmer climates. Higher latitudes so ticks don’t die. So more people get Lyme, people are getting like whatever that virus is that causes alpha-gal syndrome, where you can’t process meat or dairy. Like there are things that we as people, who are not scientists. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Maybe we’re just here for the ride. We’re just here to take a—

 

Alison Leiby: We’re here for a good time, not a long time.

 

Halle Kiefer: So fill up those glasses at that cum, cum faucet, and have a good time in the meantime, because this is all a beach house, baby. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. And a quick note on good times. We don’t have—

 

Halle Kiefer: Excellent segue. 

 

Alison Leiby: Thank you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Excellent segue. 

 

Alison Leiby: Thank you. We don’t have a ton of hard details yet, but we are planning the Lizzie Borden house trip and it is coming. We are doing it soon, so we’ll give you details as we have them. We’ve got some things in the mix. So, you know, thank you all for joining our Patreon, for listening to episodes, for being fans and supporting and coming to live shows and all of the things that this podcast is. But like we are going to the Lizzie Borden house. We achieved our goal and we are going to ruin my life. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, we’re going to do some dumb spooky shit, fucking dumb, some gross shit, and I couldn’t be more excited. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Two gals in the void in a house. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Two gals screaming in the void. Well, thank you everyone for listening. I hope this didn’t ruin your vacation at the beach house. And if it did, what are you going to do? 

 

Alison Leiby: What are you gonna do? 

 

Halle Kiefer: What are you gonna do? You chose to listen to this you maniac. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, opted it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, and until next time. We love you. 

 

Alison Leiby: We love you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And please keep it spooky. [music plays] Don’t forget to follow us at Ruined podcasts and Crooked Media for show updates. And if you’re as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Ruined is a Radio Point and Crooked Media production, we’re your writers and hosts Halle Kiefer and Alison Leiby. The show is executive produced by Alex Bach, Sabrina Fonfeder and Houston Snyder, and recorded and edited by Kat Iossa. From Crooked Media our executive producer is Kendra James with production and promotional support from Ari Schwartz, Kyle Seglin, Julia Beach, Caroline Dunphy, and Ewa Okulate. 

 

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