The Dentist | Crooked Media
SEE POD SAVE AMERICA, LOVETT OR LEAVE IT & STRICT SCRUTINY LIVE SEE POD SAVE AMERICA, LOVETT OR LEAVE IT & STRICT SCRUTINY LIVE
September 12, 2023
Ruined with Alison Leiby and Halle Kiefer
The Dentist

In This Episode

Halle and Alison hit the laughing gas and convince everyone to take care of their teeth as they ruin The Dentist.

 

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

[AD BREAK]

 

[theme music]: If scary movies give you dread. Keep you up late night in bed, here’s a podcast that will help you ease your mind. We’ll explain the plot real nicely then we’ll talk about what’s frightening, so you never have to have a spooky time. It’s Ruined.

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, hello. Welcome to Ruined. I’m Halle. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I’m Alison. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just two gals in the void. 

 

Alison Leiby: Gals in the void. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this is a podcast where we ruin a horror movie just for you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just for all of you. Halle—

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, I’m going to ask you this time. You. You’re on the hot seat. What’s new with you, Alison? 

 

Alison Leiby: I just got back from visiting my parents in Maryland for a couple of days. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Awesome. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just to kind of see them eat some seafood. But I went home and my mom was like, we could go to the pool. We could go to the beach. We could do any of the stuff. And then it just rained. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Aw. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like almost the entire time I was there. [laughs] So it was a lot of just like sitting around. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Drinking with your parents. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just drinking and like watching TV and my mom being like, What do you want to do? And I’m like, There’s nothing to do here. What do you mean, what do I want to do? [laughs] There’s nothing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. That’s the problem with most places, when it rains. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like, I want to stay inside where it’s not raining. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. I was like, well I don’t want to go outside and, like, we’re not going to go shopping and, like, we already have our meals planned out. So I guess we’ll just watch TV the whole time. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Listen that sounds all right to me right friend—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, but it was nice. [both speaking] I got some good crab. Got some fabulous crab. I eat the softshell crabs. I’m one of those. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, yeah, I. I hadn’t had one until I think, this past year. Delicious. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. It’s like. It’s just, like, deep fried. Like there’s nothing— 

 

Halle Kiefer: You can deep fry a hammer, and I could fucking get through that. [laughter] I would eat that. 

 

Alison Leiby: For sure. Deep fry a shoe. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, yeah.

 

Alison Leiby: It’s great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Line them up, the leather? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I’ll eat anything that’s been deep fried. So, you know, that was nice. And. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, that’s good— 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah I have very little happening. And then I got home and Rizz has been inseparable and, like, just keeps, like, climbing up on. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Baby. 

 

Alison Leiby: Me and putting his face half an inch from my face and just kind of like sitting there for a long time staring at me like, Are you going to go away again? And it’s like, Oh, buddy, I’m going away so much in the next month and a half.

 

Halle Kiefer: Little mister baby. 

 

Alison Leiby: Little mister baby. How are you? What’s new? What’s grinding your gears?

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m okay. I did get to go to a pool yesterday and it did make me I was born anew. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Being in water. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, I guess I just haven’t gone. Like I literally couldn’t find my swimsuit. So I was, I swam in shorts and a sports bra, which is fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I cannot. I have two bathing suits and I don’t know where I they’re somewhere in the house, but they’re tucked away somewhere because I go swimming so rarely. It also is that a friend was dog sitting or cat sitting rather, and it made me both simultaneously want to be rich and also to destroy capitalism. Does that make sense? You ever seen a house like that? We you’re like— 

 

Alison Leiby: I have that push pull. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I got a lot of feelings. 

 

Alison Leiby: All the time where I’m like, no one should have this—

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: But also I should have this. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I want it. I want it real bad. [laughter] And that was to have a home with a pool. And again. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just we happen to have access for the duration of cat sitting was pure heaven. I did have a complaint and listeners if this applies to you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No it doesn’t, I’m talking about somebody else’s I’m not talking about you.

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh you? No, no someone else. I have a standing gripe. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: With people who bring cards or a board game to a bar. That is not specifically for that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Or like, it’s fine if it’s like a big outdoor patio—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah if you’re on—

 

Halle Kiefer: —a bunch of tables.

 

Alison Leiby: If you’re on a picnic table and everybody is kind of doing their own thing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. But this to be at a bar. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Where it’s just a bar. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And to be playing a card game unacceptable. Go to someone’s home. 

 

Alison Leiby: I agree. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s not what this space is for.

 

Alison Leiby: No. It’s not. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s for mixing, mingling. Drinking.

 

Alison Leiby: Drinking and sitting quietly and looking at your phone. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: I there’s a bar that I go to sometimes over in like Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens, and I really love it. Just like a cool—

 

Halle Kiefer: Did you say the name. I don’t want to— 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, no, this is Congress bar. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, I don’t know if I’ve been there. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh it’s great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I miss New York Bar. 

 

Alison Leiby: I know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: L.A.’s got okay bars—

 

Alison Leiby: But it’s not the same. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In New York. It’s like you could walk a block and find an excellent bar. 

 

Alison Leiby: An excellent bar. 

 

Halle Kiefer: To you, cause there are so many different kinds of bars. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. But in L.A., you really have to plan where you’re going and like what type of bar you’re looking for. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: And there’s a lot of one kind and not a lot of all the other types. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I go to this bar, if you live on the east side of L.A., it’s a 4100 bar because there’s outdoor space. And I assume it’s because of the strike, because a lot of people are off work. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But for a while it was like, oh, a reasonable amount of people. And they had events there. And now there’s been an introduction of 100 more straight white men because I’m assuming they’re on strike. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And there’s nothing wrong with straight white men. But it’s interesting how like it just, it was like a certain vibe and now it’s like standing room only and everyone’s like 25. It’s like, okay, well, I guess my time with this bar has come to a close and you know, nothing wrong with that, but it’s just hard. There aren’t the New York density and variety of bars unparalleled. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s unparalleled. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, probably paralleled by any other European or Asian city. I’m sure that you have plenty of bars—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes of course just any dense, actually density that isn’t built for cars. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Too bad.

 

Alison Leiby: There and there is this couple and I actually know the guy. He’s like an ex of a friend and he sucks. But I’ve been there multiple times and it’s just like a pretty chill neighborhood bar was like a nice outside space, but I just like sitting at the bar. They do like some good frozen drinks, but also just some, like, easy stuff. And they sit at the like, you know, when a bar is like an L-shape, like the bottom part of the like the short side that goes to the wall. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Where there’s like two or three seats and then and then the long bar begins. They’ll take over that corner and just play cards for hours. And it’s so, it, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t actually affect me, but it’s so irritating. [laughter] It’s like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I want to be clear, do you want to do people. But something about it’s like you are out of your house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Look up and, look up into a humans face. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Talk to your lover. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: My God, you’re out in New York City. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Have some God damn dignity. 

 

Alison Leiby: Save the cards for at home. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The second you get home, you can be playing cards all night. 

 

Alison Leiby: Play cards. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know. That’s your business. No judgment. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. No judgment. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s my gripe. But also, I don’t really believe it. I’ll probably forget I even said this. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, yeah, next time I see it, I’ll be like, oh, that’s fun. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well that’s fun. Can I play? You know what it is. I’m really reckoning with this recently because at Crooked. I have very strong feelings about this. But we are we did sort of a summer games with like different trivia, but it was fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’re all on different teams. We have to do a field day. Alison.

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: A literal three hour outside field day event and I understand we’re going to be doing trust falls building as I understand that idea, I will kill myself dead before I let any of my coworkers see me try to run. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Try to catch a ball. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Try to jump. 

 

Alison Leiby: Throwing something. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah demonstrate any sort of eye, eye, hand count coordination. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I refuse. 

 

Alison Leiby: No.

 

Halle Kiefer: I—

 

Alison Leiby: You can’t. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I stand against it. 

 

Alison Leiby: You simply can’t. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I’m sure I will still have to do it. But I was filled with. So I think I. I don’t like anything where there are rules not because I’m a rebel, because I just can’t keep track of them. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it makes me just not want to play. 

 

Alison Leiby: I agree. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Does that make sense?

 

Alison Leiby: I agree. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But everyone out there, you guys enjoy. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And oh speaking of things we don’t enjoy. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, what a segue. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This is a first movie of a very fun theme suggested by Alison Leiby have you heard of her? 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, my God. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And that is, of course, the theme this September is greatest fears. 

 

Alison Leiby: Fears. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And because we thought, hey, we’re going to first we thought, oh, greatest fears of all time, we thought, no it has to be a little more personal. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And by we’re going to kick it off with one of mine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. I’m excited to talk through this with you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Is the fear of the dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So we will be watching The Dentist from 1996 and I did want to flag before we have we have Alison talk about the trailer, that is directed by Brad Yuzna who directed Society, which I think is one of our favorite—

 

Alison Leiby: All time favorite episode. I can totally see the influence there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Right? 

 

Alison Leiby: 100%. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it’s also it’s co-written, it’s by written by Dennis Paoli, Stuart Gordon, Charles Finch, and of course, Stuart Gordon was the director and screenwriter of Re-Animator, From Beyond, and a number of other movies. But we’ve done Re-Animator and From Beyond. So, you know, you’re getting good heads, though. Perhaps this was I would say this is not going to be in the top paragraph of either of their Wikipedia articles. Does that make sense? 

 

Alison Leiby: Got it. Mm hmm. Yes, absolutely it does. Yes it does. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it was genuinely scary. But let’s just say they have some real fucking A-plus films. And then and we love a, and—

 

Alison Leiby: And this also exists. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So, Alison, what did you think of the trailer for The Dentist? 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, it kind of has everything I want in a movie like this. Like.

 

Halle Kiefer: Absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s got like a man coming unhinged. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mm hmm. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sexual intrigue, dental work as torture, like, it’s really all of the stuff I will say, just like I for a long time did not go to the dentist because I was afraid to go. It was it was a mix of being afraid to go and then also forgetting and kind of just that made it go for too long. And then I had to go and get two root canals and it was awful. But I’m over that kind of terror now. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: But just hearing the like [sound effect] is really I don’t I didn’t even like doing it, I’ll be honest. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, we’re let’s take a baseline scary. We always like to take a baseline with Alison and then we can sort of get into our individual fears of the dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, how scary do you currently find going to the dentist? 

 

Alison Leiby: I find it like I’m not happy to go. I’m always really happy I went and it’s always way less bad then I’m preparing for. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: But I think my fear, like I’m not the cleanings don’t bother me. And even like a basic cavity and getting the Novocain like doesn’t really bother me, but it’s like I’m afraid of like the big stuff and you could need the big stuff without even being in pain. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like they can find something and be like, we actually have to take this tooth out or do some like, insane thing without you. Like being there because you’re having like tooth or jaw pain. Like—

 

Halle Kiefer: Absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like the big stuff, the root canals, the having your mouth open for like a full hour, the drilling like no, I remember during my root canal there’s some part where they like hat like it halfway through and they put some stuff and she was like, don’t bite down. And I was like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh my God.

 

Alison Leiby: Terrified. I was like, I know I’m not going to, but what if something happened? Like, what if I sneeze? 

 

Halle Kiefer: What if there’s an earthquake? Like what do you mean?

 

Alison Leiby: Like what, is, is something going to go, like, into my brain? Like, oh, my God. So I, I could get to the dentist. I go every six months. But I live in terror of needing anything beyond a cleaning really? What about you? What is your. Walk me through your dentist fears. 

 

Halle Kiefer: A man. Not always a man. It could be a woman, but I guess might as well be men. That’s not a gender judgment. I’m fine with a male dentist, that seems fine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m. I’m also fine with a male gynecologist. I will. Actually, I would. I know that people want a female gynecologist most of the time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t mind a male gynecologist. That’s fine. Good luck down there. You know, it’s. I. You know, I know that. To me, that seems totally fine. And for some reason, I also say, like, I have fears about going to gynecologist, but that seems more manageable, because on some level and this is maybe going to sound insane, saying it’s like I feel in touch with my vagina and reproductive organs in a way that my teeth—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —are like you said, like it’s like I have cramps. Like I like I like I can sort of track certain information. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: About my my hormonal like, you know, my cycle or whatever, so I can sort of get a read on it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Totally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You go to the dentist? 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They they look you in the eye and they say something and you have no way to know if what they’re saying is true unless you already have pain. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If you have tooth pain. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, they could tell you the whole God damned thing’s got to come out and you have to say, I trust you, man. I don’t know. And then he comes in or she she comes in with a drill and puts a drill in your mouth. And if this was not already an accepted part of culture and a woman, I don’t know why I’m gendering them. If a person just came in—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: To a room. 

 

Alison Leiby: With a drill. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And put a drill consensually, I suppose consensually in your mouth, we’d say, hey, hey, hey.

 

Alison Leiby: Uh uh. Not here. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Let’s calm down here. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not us.

 

Halle Kiefer: We’d say, the director’s gone too far, Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s what we fucking say about that. It is the that. So it’s like the logical part of it is terrifying to me, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It is. And then being told, of course, that you were a failure, that you failed—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes I think there is a morality to the dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, yes, exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: That does not exist with other parts of medicine. Like, I mean, it’s like people are always like telling people to lose weight even though it has nothing to do with their health. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. 

 

Alison Leiby: And like there’s all kinds of issues around, but like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Totally. 

 

Alison Leiby: The dentist is like dental issues are like reflect a moral failing in our culture for some reason. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I don’t like that at all. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it’s also absurd because dental insurance is basically somebody tweeted this and I need to find out it was sometime, but it’s like it’s the opposite of insurance because. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ostensibly we will have we will hit an out of pocket maximum going to our doctors. It’s that sucks. And it’s like thousands of dollars, but we’ll hit it. Dental insurance, you are covered a certain amount and then good luck bitch. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re on your own. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just be opening credit cards because it’s like we’ve decided the teeth are not part of the body. And maybe that’s why it also freaks me out. It’s like, why do we treat teeth like they’re not part of our body? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Well, I think also and if people have not seen this, I’ve been seeing it on Tik-Tok a lot. There was a song that Titus does on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: About teeth, and he calls they’re outside bones and he says, They’re bones that hang from your lips like bats. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s how I feel about them. 

 

Alison Leiby: And it’s like such a funny song. If you have, like, general fears about teeth, you should watch that because it’s quite funny. But yeah, there is something where it’s like they are bones on the outside. They are categorized differently than every other part of our body. Like they it just feels like vaguely alien. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And even though we know that, like dental health tracks directly to other kinds of health— 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 100%. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And but also we live in a system that is so broken that it’s also hard to get like a regular doctor’s appointment. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So it’s like I have not been to the dentist and I know my mother and father listen to this. They know I haven’t been because of my deep seated fear of the dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I probably have done that in seven years. So I know when I go in, it’s gonna be bad. But I just have to go.

 

Alison Leiby: I want everybody, including you, listening to go and two, two phrases. Because I didn’t go for almost ten years. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: And then [both speaking] I had to do.

 

Halle Kiefer: And if you’re listening, and this is you, like this is very common. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I have so much shame about not going and also—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes of course. Well, that’s why it works, too [both speaking] because you’re like, well, I have a I don’t want to face the music. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They’re going to come and be like, what did you do you fucked up. 

 

Alison Leiby: Your dentist is not going to judge you. You do not want to have to go to the dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Mm hmm. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like you don’t—

 

Halle Kiefer: And that’s why I tell myself like because if you suddenly have to. Did you suddenly have to go? 

 

Alison Leiby: I suddenly had to go. I had a massive tooth pain. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ugh. 

 

Alison Leiby: And then they were like, I can’t believe we didn’t have to pull this whole thing out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, God. 

 

Alison Leiby: One bad tooth just went south and I’d been brushing and flossing and I could have been way ahead of it when it was a little cavity. But instead I didn’t go the dentist for almost a decade. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I have a friend who has also not been to the dentist in a really long time, and our other friends dentists said, Imagine your teeth are plates and you eat a meal off a plate and you rinse it off, but you don’t clean it and then you eat another meal off that plate and you rinse it off, but you don’t really clean it like that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s that’s the dentist. So like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Go clean your plates. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: I also think again. And if your dentist does shame, you just get, get, walk out. Like.

 

Alison Leiby: Get a new dentist. Get a new dentist, cause they should not. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I just feel like most dentists at this point know I also feel it about medical providers. It’s like you got to know that anyone coming in here first of all—

 

Alison Leiby: Doesn’t wanna be there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Doesn’t want to be there. But also, like, who knows? It doesn’t even know if their insurance covers this. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Doesn’t know. Like, it’s to me, it’s like there’s so much anxiety already. And then also, like, the system is set up to, like, make you, makes you more anxious because you don’t have a level of control about it. I also really just don’t the feeling and sound of metal on my teeth. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, no, it’s terrible. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The little—

 

Alison Leiby: It’s the sounds are worse than the feelings because like. You know.

 

Halle Kiefer: The sounds are horrible and this movie—

 

Alison Leiby: The feelings are pretty gentle. And when you get real stuff, you’re numbed and you actually don’t feel it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s the sounds and the vibrations. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, my God—

 

Alison Leiby: In your head. 

 

Halle Kiefer: When they use a drill and you could smell it like burning into your tooth. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Two thumbs way down Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Two thumbs way, way, way down two thumbs way down.

 

Halle Kiefer: But please go to the dentist. I will report back when I go to the dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, please go.

 

Halle Kiefer: I also, so obviously, I. I supported dentistry and I want to be someone who goes every six months. So I’m making a commitment to going to the dentist. I will report back. Before the end of the year.

 

Alison Leiby: Once I went back. Once I went back, I’ve been it’s been it’s been like four or five years now and I go every six months. And it’s not a problem. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like it’s just, it’s just that first step. So everybody go take that first step if it’s been a minute and get back on the dental train. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And go to the gynecologist. If that’s something that you need to do as well. 

 

Alison Leiby: Do that too. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, just get that tune up. Get everything under the hood checked out. 

 

Alison Leiby: The very funny comic Leah Bonnema has a joke where she’s like, I don’t go to any doctors except my dentist, and my gynecologist, because whatever’s wrong with me, they’ll find it on one of those ends. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s funny. That’s also true. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. So. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then would you like to, based on your information you have from the trailer. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And just sort of the information you have from the title, which is The Dentist and I’m gonna say this, this guy’s not a very good dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Would you like to guess the twist in the dentist? 

 

[voice over]: Guess the twist. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m going to guess that he was never licensed to be a dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Ooh I like that a lot. 

 

Alison Leiby: And he was always kind of like faking it, like cat, like scammer vibes, like, I don’t know, dentistry. Like, you wouldn’t know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh no. 

 

Alison Leiby: If it’s going right or wrong. Like, you can’t like, it’s not like looking at something happening and being like, I know that that’s wrong. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like the mechanic you know what I mean, we’re just—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like, somebody says something it’s like, like I don’t know how to fix my car by myself. I have to trust you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. I’m going to guess he was never actually licensed to be a dentist and part of kind of his falling apart is that catching up with him and that we find that out. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, good. I absolutely love that. Let us begin. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I hate that as a concept, but. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It reminds me of I know we’ve talked about this young gentleman before, but remember that like 17 year old. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Who kept pretending to be a gynecologist? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, to be fair, if a 17 year old who walked in, you’d think, hey, probably this person is not my gynecologist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah just saying that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But again, the because again, with everything set up in America, grifters kind of you can just kind of get in anywhere, like just because nobody’s checking on anything, you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Nope. 

 

Halle Kiefer: With that in mind, let us begin ruining The Dentist. We open on sort of a shadow of hands, sort of dancing against a white wall and a man’s voice. Our narrator. His name is Dr. Alan Feinstone I’m going to call him Dr. Alan because that seems like something you’d call your—

 

Alison Leiby: Dr. Alan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like. Like if you had a therapist, you call him Dr. Jeremy. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I just like the idea of, like, a doctor having a first name is funny to me. And we hear Dr. Alan say, ah, it’s Puccini. Let it carry you away. And he’s listening to opera music. And then we see his hands moving, and then we hear sort of the corresponding dental sound. But there’s nothing in his hands. So it’s like we see him holding a tube and it’s a suction tube. And I hate the sound of that tube. 

 

Alison Leiby: I hate, I hate Mr. Suction.

 

Halle Kiefer: And we see suddenly Alan appears and he’s all in white, as if in heaven. And he says to the camera and this to me is very American Beauty, a movie I fucking hate. He says my story. I believe there’s a story to be told on every corner. That was the nineties. 

 

Alison Leiby: That was the nineties. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It was a white man in voiceover telling you there’s a story to record. It’s like, all right. And we hear him, we see his beautiful. It’s like an all white mansion, which is very eighties to me. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I guess to me like the nineties was the tail end of it but it’s like white carpet, white couch, white vase. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. That was late eighties. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That was what a weird time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see him he’s like I had a beautiful wife. I have a beautiful home. We had a perfect life. But under the clean white surface there was a stench of decay. So he’s constantly talking about the world and his life as if it is a tooth gone bad. Alison so you get the—

 

Alison Leiby: So apartment stand in for teeth.

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: Or house rather. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see Alan. He’s got like a pink sort of Brooks Brothers button down shirt. He’s storming through the house yelling for his wife, Brooke, who is a stunning, like blonde trophy wife who’s outdoor out in the back, discussing what they describe as the sludge filter. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t own a pool. I assume that that’s real, if not hilarious. She’s discussing it with the pool boy, Matt. And again, I think this was also sort of like the concept of a pool boy, a rich woman and a pool boy, and I mean he’s a pool man. I mean, this is a full grown man. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure, sure, sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he’s like, tatted up, he’s got like the ripped like sleeves, sort of a jean jacket.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Excellent. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he’s all covered in greasy sludge. And I was like—

 

Alison Leiby: How gross is this pool? [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. I was like, where would all this sludge, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Come from? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I yeah, I get it. We don’t know the word one about pool maintenance? So don’t, you know—

 

Alison Leiby: I actually do. And I don’t remember there being sludge. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There’s way too much, because I saw the sludge and literally Matt is cleaning the filter and there’s all this sludge. So I’m thinking, oh, it’s going to be blood. Like he put a body in the filter, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There’s a head in the filter. No, it’s just sludge, like we’re not going to come back to it. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he sees his beautiful wife talking to this other man and the phone rings and Alan is enraged to discover it’s IRS agent Marvin. Marvin Goldblum. Goldblum I’m gonna say Goldblum so you could imagine it’s Jeff Goldblum. 

 

Alison Leiby: Great. I love that. And I will. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So IRS Agent Goldblum turns out that Alan has a business manager who is running his dental practice and he fucked up his taxes and so he was getting audited hard. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ooh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So again, a white man in the nineties. Biggest fear in the world getting audited. 

 

Alison Leiby: I will say. I imagine getting audited by the IRS is akin to like the financial equivalent of going to the dentist. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Because there is a certain thing where it’s like I fucked up.

 

Alison Leiby: I fucked up and it’s really invasive.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, there’s nothing I could do, just get in here. And so he is basically forced to allow this IRS agent to come to his his dental practice for a meeting. And again, please picture Jeff Goldblum when we discuss the IRS agent. Alan keeps yelling for his wife. She comes in and again, much like women in nineties movies, she’s a total cipher. She is a. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She exists only to be beautiful and to be projected upon. She’s an idea of a beautiful woman with no soul or anything, which is fine because that’s for this kind of movie. That makes sense. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It is true I feel like every nineties movie was like, yeah, beautiful white blonde woman who didn’t have much going on, you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so she comes in like what are you yelling about? And he says, You picked up my shirt from the cleaners and there’s a stain. And he literally points to it, and it’s a stain in the pocket the size of a pencil point. 

 

Alison Leiby: Of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Things are going to hell around here. And I want it to stop Brooke. So it’s like, okay, so this guy will he will have his own drill jammed into his eye socket—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. As I hope. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like he’s such a piece of shit. And this is, I think, this movie. This is a hard thing to pull off, which is in horror most of the time. We are even like this came to mind like, Malignant. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t want I don’t want to be malignanted. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I do want to root for Gabriel like we all want for the villain. But when you make the villain the protagonist and yet you want him to be evil, it’s so hard to thr—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. That’s a tough balance. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Versus like, let’s say we’re going to meet some characters at his dental office that I’m like, if you had made them the protagonist. Then they get to sort of experience like, oh no, is our boss, the dentist going insane? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right? 

 

Halle Kiefer: That to me would have been a little bit versus we’re getting him in voiceover. 

 

Alison Leiby: We know he’s insane. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. So which I appreciate. I think it’s an interesting way to do it, but I would have done it a little differently just because he’s so nuts so soon. And I’m like, I’m just waiting for this guy to put a shot, have someone put a shotgun in his mouth and blow the back of his head off. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know what I mean, but Brooke’s like, I’m sorry, I’ve been working at a fundraiser all week like but then she says and she kind of, like, gets a little horny, and she’s like, I was going to wait until tonight, but. And she gives Alan, Dr. Alan a pair of the most hideous platinum cufflinks you’ve ever seen your fucking life. But of course, he’s like, Oh, my God, they’re so expensive. Like, he loves them, because, again, they’re another status symbol. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And he’s like, well, my dinner, to you is a surprise. My gift to you is a surprise dinner tonight. I’m not telling you where you’re going but be ready by seven and wear that little black dress I like, which again I want. We should bring them back from the nineties because I do feel like that made dressing easier. 

 

Alison Leiby: It was just like if you wanted to look sexy and good, you had a little black dress. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And you really needed one. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it was like, that’s my black dress. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Let’s bring it back.

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m in. He started kissing. They start kissing. And he sort of like reaches under her robe and he’s like you’re naked under there. He’s like, Yeah. She says, I’m going to the shower. He’s like, You were out there. Just wearing a robe, talking to the pool boy, like, you can’t be doing that. You know what? He’s going to get ideas and I could taste you were smoking. I’m going to have to brush my teeth again. And it’s like, this is exhausting—

 

Alison Leiby: I mean what does she get out of this? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I guess he’s really wealthy. So I think, again, much like a woman in a nineties movie, like she’s a gold digger and has no other ambition but to be a mean rich man’s wife and potentially fuck the pool boy, I guess. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So she rolls her eyes and she’s like, whatever. She goes upstairs to take a shower and he looks and she sees that some of the other sludge from the sludge filter is smeared on her forearm. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, not the sludge. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Where Matt must have touched her and that he looks out and he’s touched the sludge, it’s sort of like this greasy—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Sludge.

 

Halle Kiefer: Sludge. You know sludge. 

 

Alison Leiby: You know, sludge. We all know sludge. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And we see him fingering the sludge. He says once the decay sets in, it can only lead to rot, filth, corruption. It’s like this is five minutes into the fucking dude. [laughter] You got to, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Starts at an 11. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. [laughter] So Alan goes outside to yell at the pool boy Matt who’s again covered in greasy, filthy sludge. [laughter] 

 

Alison Leiby: I have, I have, I was. I was the manager of a pool for several years and I— 

 

Halle Kiefer: How much sludge did you deal with on a day to day basis?

 

Alison Leiby: I would say I never once saw sludge and I worked in the back like I would do the chemicals and like, do all of that and, like, make sure that the pumps were working. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I just I don’t know. I’ve never encountered sludge. Definitely not in a way that it would have ever gotten on me or covered me?

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I’m like, maybe a frog gets caught the filter. That’s sad, but there’s not the quantity of sludge. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, the quantity is what’s really like. I can imagine there’s probably a filter that gets some sediment in it whatever, but just. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mass amounts of sludge. No.

 

Halle Kiefer: Also, another thing is like we already could tell from context that if she hasn’t fucked him already, Brooke is going to fuck Matt like we. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Have all the information. But for some reason, Dr. Alan, it takes him a little bit longer. So he’s like, yelling at Matt. He looks and Matt’s covered in sludge. He’s like, my wife had sludge. This guy’s got sludge. I got to go to work at my very successful dental practice. And then he drives halfway to the block. He’s like, wait a minute, my wife’s fucking the pool boy. [laughter] And he drives back and he sneaks into the house and he peers through like the the vertical blinds in the living room. He looks out to see his wife buck naked like. So she’s taken off her robe, she’s fucking stark naked. 

 

Alison Leiby: Good for her. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s also like 7:30 in the morning [laughter] or something. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s so early to be having an affair. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And taking off Matt’s jeans and then sucking his dick on a pool chair, which I thought was pretty bold. But also part of me is like, well, you know, when in Rome. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I guess you’re there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then so of course as Alan watches like Matt reaches down to like like, you know, grabs her and it gets greasy sludge all over Brooke’s body again, his beautiful, pristine white cis wife, the ultimate symbol of a of a man’s success has been besmirched by, like, sludge, and he’s been made a cuckold in his own home. Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh my goodness. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Can you even believe it? 

 

Alison Leiby: Alison. Unfortunately for our two lovers, Alan owns a gun, which we see him then get out of his desk drawer.

 

Alison Leiby: I like can’t. I can’t live in a world where my dentist owns a gun. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: I think a lot more of them do than we we realize unfortunately.

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But he goes to get a gun and he goes outside. And so basically Matt’s leaning down on his back on the pool chair. And Brooke is, you know, like leaning over him, sucking his dick. He grabs Dr. Alan, grabs Brooke by the back of the head and basically forces her head down on this guy’s dick and then holds a gun on both of them. And he screams at his wife. I’m very disappointed in you. [laughter] Again, we’re six or seven minutes into the movie. [laughter]

 

Alison Leiby: So much is happening and none of it’s dentist yet.

 

Halle Kiefer: And he basically goes [?] I am a dentist, my wife has perfect teeth. She has a perfect bite. Why don’t you show him honey? And he basically forces his wife to bite down on Matt’s dick and is screaming, show him your teeth. And then he takes his gun. 

 

Alison Leiby: What? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he jams it into Matt’s mouth, and we see—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That Matt is like. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s in the trailer.

 

Halle Kiefer: His teeth are a little yellow they’re a little. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But also it’s like it’s all about teeth and like jamming a gun into this guy’s mouth—

 

Alison Leiby: Putting a gun inside someone’s mouth is so fucked up. [laughs] 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. I mean, luckily, it was just a violent, psychosexual fantasy. Alan is actually just watching his wife cheat on him from the living room holding a gun. So, unfortunately we know—

 

Alison Leiby: Oh okay so. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Brooke is cheating. And also, he does have a gun. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. So it could happen. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It could happen. Meanwhile, he is now extremely late to his dental practice. [laughter] 

 

Alison Leiby: Imagine being held up, and it’s like, why is it a dentist? And it’s like, oh, he’s holding a gun, staring out the window as his wife fucks the pool guy. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah—

 

Alison Leiby: Anyway, he’ll be here at 7:30. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And so he has four patients, including a child, waiting for appointments. And there’s a front desk gal named Candy who I feel like I’d be friends with. There’s also so much this movie is about, like, running a dental practice. Like, all but who would be involved. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In this very funny way. Where I’m like, we didn’t need to see, like, the supply guy come in. Like, there’s just so much dental stuff which makes you think, like, the Brian Yuzna must have just been at the dentist and been like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know what? Oh no sorry, the writers, they were. Someone was at the dentist office and been like wait a minute. And it is scary. So they were right. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But all of course, at this point, all of the patients are like, so. So he’s late now. All of our stuff is going to get pushed back, like, please, you know, when one guy’s like, I can’t wait anymore. [laughter] Like everybody’s—

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s 8 A.M. 

 

Alison Leiby: Everyone at the dentist office is at like, no one is like chilled out.

 

Halle Kiefer: [laughs] Yeah, I would be like, it like, just be screaming. Just like spray sludge all over the place. [laughter] The receptionist tells this guy, like, you can make a new appointment, he’s like, I already had an appointment and he storms out. We then meet Jessica, who is Alan’s assistant, who talks to Candy, the receptionist, and they’re super annoyed. They’re like, Oh my God, where is he? Like, what the fuck? And they I feel like they’ve given us one more sentence of like, he’s never done this. Or, you know, the last couple of weeks, he seems like he’s really losing it— 

 

Alison Leiby: Any context to what has happened before this morning. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, and it wouldn’t either one’s acceptable. It could be like this broke him. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And now he’s crazy. Now we’re going to see him go crazy or something’s happening and he’s unraveling. 

 

Alison Leiby: He’s been kind of in turmoil. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Jessica calls the next patient. Her name is April Reign, and she’s a beauty queen and she’s assisted by her manager, Mark Ruffalo. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: His name is Steve—

 

Alison Leiby: Hi Mark Ruffalo. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Again. Not his best role, but he he does a good job playing a beauty queen’s manager, you know? Seemed fine.

 

Alison Leiby: The role he was born to play. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And basically they they bring her into the dental hygienist Karen starts doing the prep work and there’s so much dental stuff in this [laughter] which is why it’s a great like if you’re at the dentist you should be about the dentist, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. And it’s like it’s already set. Like you don’t even have to like stretch reality or imagination or like, put anything in that office for it to be scary. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s already scary. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So, Candy, you know, they’re trying to, like, get the patients ready for when he arrives, like getting them, you know, cleaned and everything. And so Candy is calling his car phone, remember car phones? 

 

Alison Leiby: Of course, I had one. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see that Alan is Dr. Alan is driving after Matt in his like pool truck to the next servicing, if you will. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he gets there and it’s a friend of his wife named Paula Roberts. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s the most eighties name I could possibly imagine. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: And she has like, a very she’s hot as hell, but she has like a very short like Jamie. Jamie Lee Curtis. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which is also very nineties. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so he goes and he tries to sneak in to see Matt’s also fucking this other woman, which I’m like, Why would you care? 

 

Alison Leiby: Who cares? 

 

Halle Kiefer: If he’s fucking this other woman—

 

Alison Leiby: You should care if your wife is fucking other guys. But like, you—

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah like don’t stalk all the women he’s clearly fucking in your neighborhood. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know.

 

Alison Leiby: He’s got a grift going and it seems to be working for him. Like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Stay focused on your own family. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So he get’s there. And Paula’s sort of was like, Alan, what are you doing here? And he has his gun behind him. He’s like holding his gun behind his back. And he’s like, oh, I was sort of you’re in town next Friday for of I’m going to have a surprise party for Brook. Oh yeah, that’s it. A surprise party. She was like, yeah, that’s fine. And then she yawns and he sees her dental work in her mouth like she has a lot of like, fillings. It’s like, you really should make an appointment. We’ve really got to do that one tooth. And she’s like, Oh, I was so nervous. I hate the dentist. But you’re right. I’ll. Let’s make an appointment. He says my office will call you and confirm. [both speaking] So he’s like, he’s still a dentist even when he’s about to murder the man who fucked his wife—

 

Alison Leiby: He’s still keeping an eye on what kind of bonding and fillings he needs to do. [laughs] 

 

Halle Kiefer: He’s a dedicated dentist, that’s what they do. And just kidding, he doesn’t leave. He sneaks around to go see Paula. She walks through the house to her pool and, of course, starts seducing Matt. So Matt’s also fucking him. Fucking her. So then, while he’s turning to leave, Paula’s Doberman Pinscher leaps and sort of attacks Alan because he’s a strange man with a gun hiding [laughter] in the bushes. And I’m sure the dog was like, well, I don’t know much but I know this isn’t good. . 

 

Alison Leiby: I know this is my job. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. He shoots the dog and kills it. 

 

Alison Leiby: What the fuck? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know. Back in the office—

 

Alison Leiby: Like how are you going to explain it? Like if somebody finds you there and the dog has been shot and you have a gun and you’re hiding in the bushes after inviting this woman to a surprise party for your wife and then scolding her about not coming [laughter] in to get her dental work done like what kind of web of, like, intrigue are you weaving? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I will say, like, there are certain things in the news like, oh, God, remember that family I think it was in Georgia where was like all these murders what was like, Oh my God, I feel terrible. But it was like, well, this thing. So they were rich and they’re like, oh, it turns out that they were crazy this whole time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And like, all these different stories were coming out. 

 

Alison Leiby: I think so. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Kavanaugh or something? I don’t know, that’s Brett Kavanaugh the Supreme Court Justice I’m thinking of, I don’t think he’s ever killed a dog or has he? No, I allegedly I don’t know. So, yes. So he murders a dog, for which almost was like a weird—

 

Alison Leiby: No reason. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like we already saw you in your fantasy, like shoot your wife’s what’s the male version of a mistress, a manstress, shoot your wife’s manstress. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And now you shoot a dog? It’s like to me, like a weird, not a de-escalation, almost like a sideways lateral move. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like we should have seen the dog first, I guess. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. We needed to see the dog murder first Alison. That’s what I’m always saying.

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, get that sooner. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But finally, Alan sneaks into the back door of his dental practice, and Karen, who is prepping April Reign is like, oh, thank God. He actually fucking showed up, you know, and Karen, this actress. Let me look up her name. She places this so realistically and is her name is Patty Toy. She’s incredible at this. She’s the one who’s playing this so realistically that you’re like, that is what my reaction would be like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yep. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She’s trying to like, be like, okay, great. We have to keep this dental practice running. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But also I think that maybe our boss is losing his fucking mind. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like she’s trying to keep it real with everybody. So she runs out, she’s like, oh, thank God you’re here, you know? And he’s like, I’m actually I’ve been here for two hours. I had a migraine and I was lying down in my office. And it’s like, even if that was true, you still have to open the door, be like, Hey, I’m really sick can you push? Like, like—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah he needs to communicate. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And he has, like, a bunch of, like, he changes his clothes because as you can imagine, he’s covered in dog blood. Alison. [laughter] And she’s he’s holding the gun he used to kill that dog. 

 

Alison Leiby: My God. Like that 30 Rock scene with Chris Parnell. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Yeah. [laughter] I’m sorry. I was at a Halloween party and the host’s dog attacked me. I had to murder it. Or I had to stab it to death. 

 

Alison Leiby: I had to kill it. I had to kill it. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: And of course, as he’s like, sort of cleaning himself up, he looks at a photo of him and his wife. We hear in his voice, a woman’s voice, saying, I don’t want you anymore. You bore me. And then cruel laughter. It’s like, all, women, why are they always making me kill dogs? 

 

Alison Leiby: Why did he bring the gun into the office? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like leave it in the car. With the phone.

 

Halle Kiefer: This guy has no sense of proportion. He has no class. I’m going to say this. This guy has no class whatsoever.

 

Alison Leiby: No class. Just no class. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And a part of me is so invested. Like, well are they going to able to see all the patients? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like I’m invested in, like the support staff. So he comes in to tell Candy to book Paula Roberts an appointment for the next day and again lies to her, like I’ve been here for two hours. I was just like I had a migraine. And again, nobody is buying that. Also, like who. 

 

Alison Leiby: And either way, they haven’t been seen. So.

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, unfortunately, his first patient he’s going to see that day is a little boy, which—

 

Alison Leiby: Jesus Christ. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —I also was not in the mood because I was like, oh, a child and a mother. I assumed, okay, the mother’s getting her teeth done because most I went to a child dentist.

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, pediatric dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Where there’s like games and stuff. So then it’s like and I was like, well, if he’s going to go to an adult dentist, it shouldn’t be Dr. Alan. You know, the— 

 

Alison Leiby: No. Dr. Alan is not. I mean, he’s like, when you say adult dentist, he’s like a capital, A adult dentist. [laughs] 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah NC-17 dentist. [laughter] Okay, so then this is like part of the nineties too. Did you have this at your doctor’s office? This was like, so basically he takes Jody and all the different exam rooms are different themes. So this is the rainforest room. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I didn’t have that at my childhood dentist. But it would be like. 

 

Alison Leiby: But. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There was like an electric toothbrush that lights up like, they try to make it fun. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Does that make sense? 

 

Alison Leiby: I think. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Did you have a fun dentist or was it just regular? 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, he was just regular. But there were like toys involved, like a takeaway. Like at the end it’s like, oh, you get a prize. But like, yeah, I didn’t go to one of those dentist, but I like, I’m familiar with their existence. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this to me is also dentistry in the nineties, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because there’s a rainforest room and then one of the other rooms is called Just Like Heaven. So the the ceiling is painted with it’s blue with clouds and angels and sort of like there’s fun stuff to distract people, which is why, again, it seems like a children’s dentist’s office. But listen, he’s a man with a vision. Unfortunately, we can see he has a very strong minds eye. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I suppose. So we imagine the rainforest room and so they get started and we see them here in Jody, the little boy’s mouth, and his mom looks on and the mom is sort of like looking on increasing horror because Dr. Alan’s doing the regular cleaning, which is even that’s disgusting. Like we hear like the click click of the—

 

Alison Leiby: There could be a 90 minute movie of just somebody doing very regular dental work on someone. And I’d be like, I couldn’t watch this. I’m sorry. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. A lot of these shots, I had to look away because I they were really tough. But then she hears Dr. Alan say start mumbling in increasingly large volumes, says if I divorce her, she gets everything right, my practice will be ruined. And I’m not a parent, but I would not love it if my child’s dentist started saying that kind of stuff. 

 

Alison Leiby: I wouldn’t like to be in the chair while someone is saying that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No, I wouldn’t want to be on the planet when I hear this. [laughter] And we also we see the implements, they’re scraping Jody’s teeth and the the hose, the little mirror. And and finally in Alan’s mind, we see through his eyes that all of Jody’s teeth are rotted and rancid. And he stabs one of the tools into the little boy’s gums and blood starts gushing out of his mouth. And Jody’s screaming and fortunately, his mother grabs him up is like, what kind of dentist are you and takes her son out so that there’s no other kids the rest of the movie? Because I was like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t want to watch this little boy get his little teeth, taken out. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So he’s fine. He’s out of there. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s okay. That’s fine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Dr. Alan says, I don’t want to yell at Jessica, who’s just standing there like, what the fuck is going on? And says, we can’t take children anymore. That little boy is spoiled. It’s like that’s what the your take away was? Don’t worry. Dr. Alan rushes into his office then and opens a bottle and just takes a fistful of pills. But he puts so many in he starts choking. [laughter] So Karen, the dental hygienist, hears him choking and runs in to help. But then she’s like, you know what? How about you rest up and I’ll just finish up April Reigns, because April Reigns was just getting a teeth cleaning and she’s like, you know what? Don’t even worry, something’s going on, so I’ll you don’t worry about it. [laughter] And Doctor Alan’s like, okay, good. I have to call my wife [laughter] he calls his wife, and he’s taken so many pills, he’s like, Remember where we had our when we had our first practice? And that’s the first implication we get that that Brooke used to be a dentist as well. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But now they’re so successful that—

 

Alison Leiby: She doesn’t have to work anymore. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She no longer practices. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, well, they were like a dental power couple. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And that’s how dentists find love. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Other dentists. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so. And he’s saying this while he’s fondling his fun he’s like, you know, I’m already running late. It’s also 10 A.M. He’s like, I’m already running late. So instead of coming home, just meet me at the office for our anniversary dinner, meet me at seven, and she hangs up and goes, What an asshole. And then he hangs up and says, Bitch. [laughter] It’s like, that is what a straight marriage is. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s also very the nineties. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. So nineties, where, nineties really was like, God, I hate my spouse so much. [laughter] And it’s like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Comedy, drama.

 

Halle Kiefer: There’s a little bit more. 

 

Alison Leiby: All of it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Room to be like, just go fucking divorced then bitch. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So Karen finishes up April Reigns and she says, You know, actually I wanted to have Steve come in and then I want to talk to the doctor before I go because Steve wants to give me a full mouth make over and like, you know, well, don’t use the term veneers, but the idea is like I want my teeth done. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. New teeth.

 

Halle Kiefer: You know. Unfortunately, Dr. Alan, who again is now pilled out [laughter] barges in—

 

Alison Leiby: With a gun. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —is like I demand to see the X-rays. Even though Karen could tell he’s unhinged and is like, I’m not letting you touch this woman’s teeth. And so because she’s like, aware of it and she he takes the X-rays out of your hand, he’s like, She’s got a shadow on her right molar. It’s a cavity. We need to fill it right now. And Karen’s like, Oh, God, okay. Because again, she’s like you’re my boss. He takes out this huge fucking needle, Alison and he goes to inject her in the gums and she says, You know, I’m too scared of needles. Are there any other options? And he says, Have you ever had nitrous oxide? She says, yes. Meanwhile, we meet the two detectives that are research or finding, going to try to solve the murder of Paula’s dog, Alison, and their names are— 

 

Alison Leiby: Right because there’s a dead dog in play. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And I mentioned everyone in the neighborhood heard a gunshot and then now there’s a dog that got shot in the head. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like it’s like it’s not a great sign. 

 

Alison Leiby: Who did this? Why? When?

 

Halle Kiefer: Our two detectives are named Detective Gibbs and even more importantly, Detective Sunshine. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And they’re on the case and they’ve been looking. There’s been a burglar in the neighborhood, but they’re like, he’s never used a gun before, but also, like, well he’s never been confronted with a dog before. Like, maybe this is an escalation, you know? And Detective Gibbs, like, just get out there, talk to the neighbors, you know, cop stuff back at the office. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Steve, the manager’s in the in the waiting room, and we meet this other patient who’s waiting, this teenager named Sarah, who is very cute and has had braces for two years and is like, I’m getting my braces off today, and then I’m having a party for all my friends where I get to have everyone can see my teeth and Steve—

 

Alison Leiby: Did you have braces? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I yes, I had them. For a little over a year in high school. What about you? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I had them from like, fifth grade to, like, ninth grade or something. I had years of braces. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: And now my teeth are crooked. So what a good investment that was. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. I remember I had a pink sparkly retainer, and then I of course stopped using it immediately. And I remember trying to put it back in and just couldn’t do it. 

 

Alison Leiby: You can’t even do it. It’s not even like it hurts. It’s like it just won’t fit. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah [laughter] I remember my dad. He was really diligent about wearing his retainer. And then one time it was like freshman year of college, he dropped it in the toilet. He’s like, my time with my retainer has come to a close. [laughter] 

 

Alison Leiby: I think by the time you’ve got, like, a college student child. You can give up.

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s just like I would say in theory you could be wearing it the rest of your life. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I do want to meet that person who is that diligent. 

 

Alison Leiby: I would also love to—

 

Halle Kiefer: But no one, no human is. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no one.

 

Halle Kiefer: So Sarah’s really excited. And Steve says, Well, you know, you’re so pretty, you could be a model. So why don’t you show me your model walk? And Sarah was like, I can’t do it. And then, like, she’s like, awkwardly, she’s playing. I was assuming this was in her twenties, but she’s playing it as an awkward teenager. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so they have a little bit of a moment. And then finally Steve the manager goes, How the fuck long is April been in there like she’s we have another appointment. I’m a beauty queen’s manager and. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: As you know, that means, oh, that’s very important, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: Rigorous. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Unfortunately, Alison, something bad is about to happen to April. So she is, she’s on the, the laughing gas. And as Dr. Alan’s about to fill her cavity, she reaches over and grabs his dick through his pants and says, If you don’t hurt me, doctor, I won’t hurt you. And Dr. Alan looks down in the crotch of his pants, is now stained with sludge. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sludge. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This, unfortunately, triggers what I would describe as Dr. Alan’s psychosexual insanity. [laughter] And he looks down and April has turned into Brooke and is now in his mind, is nude, except for the robe she was wearing in the morning. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In the morning in her underwear. And he starts to kiss her and sexually assaulting her, taking off her clothes and the Brooke in his mind and he like literally takes off her pantyhose, her shoes. And this is also terrifying because, like, unfortunately, there are occasionally doctors who absolutely do this kind of thing. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And take advantage of their patients, and then they don’t get found out because of like the paternalistic nature of medicine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So no one believes anything that happens to a woman. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then it’s until 20 years later, it’s like, oh, yeah, that guy was doing all sorts of funny business. 

 

Alison Leiby: To so many people. Yeah.

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s so scary. So I feel like all this was also a terrifying moment where it’s like, yeah, most like 99.9% of the time you’re fine and the other 0.1% you’re not. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re not. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And you just don’t know because you’re also unconscious, because you’re on gas. And so the Brooke, in his mind says just like that. But he hears just like Matt and starts choking her out. And as soon as he starts choking her out, he sort of steps out of his maniacal fugue state and realizes that it’s not Brooke. It is his patient, April Reigns, and he has pulled off her shoes and pantyhose and is sexually assaulting her like grabbing her boobs like and it’s only then that he realizes. [both speaking] And April, I I’m going to say, not again. Not a good dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: And April from being choked is coughing and she’s pulls she’s able to pull off the laughing gas off her face. And she stands up disoriented, like she doesn’t remember what’s just happened. But she knows she’s not. She’s uncomfortable. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, something has happened. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And is like panicked. Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just then Steve comes down the hallway and was like, Where the fuck is April? And Dr. Alan brings her out and she’s really woozy. And so he tries to tell Steve, you know, she’s having a allergic reaction to the laughing gas. It’s really minor. It should clear up in 10 minutes. Why don’t you come sit down? But then when he turns to take them into the exam room, her pantyhose and high heels are on the ground. Well and it’s like. Well, obviously you sexually assaulted this woman. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes obviously. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You took off her pantyhose and heels. Like.

 

Alison Leiby: No other reason for that to be on the floor. This is not.

 

Halle Kiefer: You’re a dentist bitch. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’re a dentist. You’re doing just head. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, this is just head work. And so she said, so instead he pivots, and  he goes, Steve, would you take her outside for some fresh air? And Steve’s like, Oh my God, that’s scary. Yeah. We’ll go outside again. Taking his word for it is a medical authority that she’s just having an allergic reaction. And so as the support staff sees Steve carry, physically carrying April outside, Jessica turns to Karen and says they’re dropping like flies. My question to you, Alison, is and I’m going to put you on this question being Jessica, Karen. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Or Candy, one of the someone who works here. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: What would you do at this point? 

 

[voice over]: What would you do? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m calling the cops. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You got to get someone in there. 

 

Alison Leiby: You’ve got to get somebody over there. And I’m not letting any more patients be with Dr. Alan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m telling everybody to go home. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: In the waiting room and calling the cops and trying to keep him there until the cops come. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah I there is and I think this is I just listen to this really excellent podcast called The Retrievals. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes oh yeah. I haven’t listened to that but—

 

Alison Leiby: And it’s about women. Yeah, again, whatever people’s bandwidth is for medical true crime essentially. But it’s about these women who were getting egg retrievals. Turns out one of the nurses was addicted to fentanyl and was stealing the fentanyl and replacing with saline. So when these women were getting this very invasive, painful procedure done, they were not medicated, including one of them had been a nurse or some sort of medical professional, was like, I have been on fentanyl before. And also I’m in medical for like childbirth or something. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I have been and I’ve been a medic— I’m not this is not what fentanyl is. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like I’ve been. You’ve given me nothing. It’s saline. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she’s could tell because she could taste saline in her mouth and she again, she, and even then they didn’t listen to any of them. They basically were like, well, you know, basically like as if their pain was a total manufacturer of their mind. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I think unfortunately, as women, that just happens so often and again it’s not just women, but there is that particular element to it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then I think when these things happen where like a medical professional, it’s a it’s like the system is built for people to be like, is it really that bad? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, And so then when someone is using the system, for example, unfortunately these doctors that occasionally assault their patients, it’s like there is no system by which a patient has the power. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: To be believed. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Which is really scary. Right. There’s no path towards. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, it’s so dark. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like any solutions to. It’s really dark. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. But listen to The Retrievals. It’s a really excellent podcast and boy, you just this is the sequence where he pivots to become a gynecologist because he loses his dental license. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But yeah, you got to get someone in there. You cannot I feel like you have to pull a fire alarm. You have to do whatever you can to get [both speaking] everyone out of there. 

 

Alison Leiby: You can’t let him see anyone else.

 

Halle Kiefer: Cut the power, yeah, I don’t know what. Yeah, call it a bomb threat. Like, clear out the the building and see what you can do the next day. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

[AD BREAK]

 

Halle Kiefer: Instead, they don’t do that at this point. And Dr. Alan calls tells Candy the receptionist order more, nitrous oxide. I’m gonna use the, we just ran out. I’m going to use the backup one. And she says, okay, great. I also booked Paula Roberts for an appointment tomorrow morning, and she wanted to know, did you happen to notice anyone brutally murdering her dog this morning? [laughter]

 

Alison Leiby: Did you or did you see someone shoot a dog? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Did you see someone kill my dog for no fucking reason? And he’s like, That’s crazy. Who would do something like this? Anyways I have to go back and be insane for a while. Meanwhile, Jessica goes in the exam room that April was in and finds April’s pantyhose, and so she knows. Okay, he sexually assaulted this woman she shows Karen and poor Karen is like, again, there has to be a reasonable explanation. We worked with this guy forever. Like I. You know what I mean? Like I. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because of our personal relationship, I cannot trust I cannot believe that he would do something like that, which happens a lot. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: There’s a lot of that going around. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, Dr. Oh no. Meanwhile. Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum, Goldblum? Alison which is it? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’ve always said Goldblum, but. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Goldblum it is. Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum from the IRS shows up. 

 

Alison Leiby: Great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And tells Dr. Alan that he’s basically like, You’ve terrible tax problems and I can help you sludge up the wheels a little bit. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If you give me free dental work. So essentially this IRS agent is trying to work over Dr. Alan

 

Alison Leiby: Scamming. [laughter] 

 

Halle Kiefer: Is scamming him for free dental work. And it’s like is everyone here a dirtbag? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, that moment, unfortunately for Dr. Alan, but fortunately for at least everyone who has any semblance of like a notion that he’s insane now, Steve barges back in and punches Dr. Alan in the face and calls him a pervert. And he doesn’t specifically say you sexually assaulted, April, but Steve turns and yells at everyone like, Do not, do you not see this man. He is a pervert. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m going to sue you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay thank you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We are calling the cops. Fuck you. And Dr. Alan then snaps and, shuts down the dental office, and the teenage Sarah is like, I thought I was going to get my braces off today. [laughter]

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, God. You’re just. When you want to get your braces off, you’re just like any any delay to that is a nightmare. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, but to be fair, Sarah, you’re going to want to hold off on this—

 

Alison Leiby: You’re going to want somebody else probably just to do this. Overall. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And Dr. Alan’s like—

 

[clip of Corbin Bernsen]: You don’t know what it’s like. The discipline, the long hours, lack of respect in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And everyone is like, okay, so we’re going to close the office, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they close honest to God. It’s probably been like an hour since he got there [laughter] like things are really not—

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like 9:45. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. Night falls, at having heard from her husband to come to the office. Brooke arrives in her little black dress. She looks incredible. 

 

Alison Leiby: Nice. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Dr. Alan shows him his new shows her his new exam masterpiece, a room that is opera themed. And he’s showing her around like as if he’s showing her around the Met. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: While while Puccini plays. And he’s like, listen, she sings of love and Brooke says, we’re going to lose our table, you know? [laughter] But it’s like, you knew, your husband, when you met him. Got to have some sort of opera. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exam room. You know. He says, Brooke, it’s our anniversary. You know, just give me a minute to show you what I could do. Lay back here in my weird opera dental chair. And this is like for ladies and gentlemen, being married to your dentist isn’t all sunshine and roses okay.

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, it’s not just free dental work and money. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And as soon as Brooke lays down, he, of course, takes off cause he has one of those like white like you wear with, like, a tuxedo to the opera. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like a white men’s scarf. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Take off the scarf and just starts fucking choking the hell out of her. 

 

Alison Leiby: What the fuck? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then slaps on the laughing gas mask before tying her arms to the— 

 

Alison Leiby: To her or to him? 

 

Halle Kiefer: He ties Brooke’s arms to the exam chair with green curtain ties. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Brooke is now restrained. 

 

Alison Leiby: But who had the laughing. Oh, she has the laughing gas. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. I can see him also, just like taking a hit and—

 

Halle Kiefer: You’re absolutely right. And I would have liked to see that because I also think that which is in Little Shop of Horrors. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: When Steve Martin’s characters ditched the laughing gas. I would have loved that.. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. It’s also a Tim Whatley Seinfeld bit where he takes a hit of it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, that’s funny. Yeah. So he tells her, I’ve been watching what you’ve become. What they’ve all you’ve all become. You, Matt. Paula Roberts. [laughter] And I’m like Paula Roberts. I don’t see how. Yes. She’s not married to you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Don’t bring her into this. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Why do you care? And also, like, you don’t know for sure if she’s even married. So it’s like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If she was single woman just fucking this guy. How mad could you be? You know?

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, maybe she’s divorced. Maybe they’re separated or estranged. Also saying someone’s first and last name when they’re very much a part of your life is so funny. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Is so funny. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like. It’s so funny.

 

Halle Kiefer: I think I honest to God think it was like someone’s like, They’re not gonna remember who Paula is. We haven’t mentioned her in a little bit, we got to say Paula Roberts. 

 

Alison Leiby: Paula Roberts. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, Paula Roberts. Yes of course I know her.

 

Alison Leiby: Oh Paula Roberts. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh. The woman who’s dog got murdered. Okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: [laughs] Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And with Brooke’s like trying to moan through the laughing gas mask, and he says, You better stop. You don’t want me to cut out your tongue, Then you wouldn’t be much use to me, would you? Alison. Unfortunately, he wheels over his little tray of horrors, and he reaches in with a pair of pliers, and just starts ripping out Brooke’s teeth one by one. 

 

Alison Leiby: Jesus Christ. 

 

Halle Kiefer: As she screams and screams. Back at home, we see Alan looking out over the pool and says, You know, I never used the pool. I built it for you, but we should use it together. And he turns, he says, No, in his voiceover, which is even, doesn’t make sense. Just. Like just to have him say it out loud at this point. Like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like, whatever he turns he’s like nothing will ever come between us again. And we see this horribly like. Like Brooke bleeding from the mouth, laying in bed, eyes pleading all of her teeth torn out. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In the morning we see Brooke tied with zip ties to a pool chair in a bikini with sort of like a drape on her and a sunhat tipped over her face. So to the casual observer, it looks like she’s asleep. 

 

Alison Leiby: She’s just chilling. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah chilling by the pool. Matt arrives to go clean the pool just as Detectives Gibbs and remember Detective Sunshine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sunshine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Arrive to ask about, of course, the dog for murder. [laughter]

 

Alison Leiby: I love that this guy’s got. There’s dog murderer detectives. There’s sleazy IRS agents, like the walls are closing in on Dr. Alan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And he’s he’s starting to spiral, but luckily, he’s able to be like, Oh, God, that’s crazy. You know, if I. If I think of anyone who would murder a dog, I’ll let you know. And detective—

 

Alison Leiby: Why wouldn’t he just frame Matt? 

 

Halle Kiefer: God, that’s a great question. [laughter] Wait why didn’t he?

 

Alison Leiby: That’s a great. I mean that, get them off your tail. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I think he want to kill Matt. 

 

Alison Leiby: He wants to kill Matt, he wants to kill Matt. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. I think he’s like, That’s crazy. 

 

Alison Leiby: [laughs] That’s crazy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And the detectives, leave him a card and detective Gibbs says, you know, you’re a dentist. It’s kind of like a cop. A necessary evil. [laughter] I’m like, that’s a wild way to look at it.

 

Alison Leiby: [laughs] Jesus Christ. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But they leave before they see. On the table is a bottle of spilled pills. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Presumably sedatives, that Brooke is on, two empty containers of baby food. Presumably because she has no teeth and a knife. And outside, Matt starts to scoop up the leaves and stuff out of the pool. And he’s scoops up—

 

Alison Leiby: Oh for the sludge factory. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, my God. Well, if you don’t get the leaves out, it’s going to manufacture more sludge. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, that’s it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison in the pool as he pulls up in his little basket. It is a human tongue. And he turns because Brooke, he walked in, assuming Brooke was asleep and he runs over to Brooke and was like, Brooke there’s a human tongue in your pool. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, he pulls the hat away and she screams and we see it. Her mouth, all of her teeth are gone and her tongue has been cut out. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she I mean, she’s like—

 

Alison Leiby: That’s so upsetting. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he kind of backs away in horror and surprise. And Dr. Alan grabs Matt from behind and slits his throat. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so Matt sort of staggers forward. He stumbles into their little patio furniture and knocks over the umbrella. And Dr. Alan advances on him, stabbing Matt over and over again. He’s like, My name is Dr. Alan, and Brooke is my wife, you filthy piece of shit. And he throws the knife into the pool. The next morning or no, it was this the next morning? Yes so it’s the next morning. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He immediately drives cheerily to work for his first appointment, which is of course, Paula. So the it just—

 

Alison Leiby: Paula Roberts? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Paula Roberts. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Now you remember Paula Roberts, her dog was murdered [laughter] so not so his coworkers know for a fact that he sexually assaulted one of the patients. They also know that he is acting erratically and screamed at everyone and then shut down the office midway through the day. And now they’re back open. He is seeing Paula Roberts. 

 

Alison Leiby: You can’t just be open the next day. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I just don’t think you can. I don’t know how dentistry works— 

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t think you can do it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: But I don’t think that works for me. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Also waiting is brace faced Sarah, because she says like, well, you know, I had to postpone my my party for a day, but I really want to get this done. Like, she’s so committed to getting her braces off. But, Dr. Alan’s like, Excuse me, bitch. Paula Roberts is here. [laughter] Paula goes in. And Paula also for some reason, does not suspected him of killing the dog. She says, I think Dennis killed the dog. He knows how attached I’ve grown to it. And I’m like, Is that your husband? Is your ex-husband? Is it your part like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right, like context. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We hear the word Dennis, I’m assuming ex-husband. 

 

Alison Leiby: Ex-husband feels right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because we haven’t seen him. I don’t know, like, but again, we can’t get bogged down because he injects her gums and they chat about Matt and she’s like, Wow, Matt’s one of the best pool boys I’ve ever worked with. How’s he doing over at your house? And she said, he says this is where we find out it’s a sludge filter. He’s like, you know, we’ve had some problems with the sludge filter, but I don’t think we’ll be having any more problems. And he takes the drill. And as Jessica, the dental assistant, watches, he starts pulverizing Paula Roberts teeth just grinds her molar off. 

 

Alison Leiby: Mm hmm no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Now. And so Jessica grabs him and hauls him outside. And was like you were destroying that patients tooth. And Dr. Alan’s like, Never question me. I am a dentist you are just a woman. [laughter]

 

Alison Leiby: I am a dentist you are just a woman.

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s a a but Jessica. She’s like, I already know what I saw yesterday. You’re literally just destroying

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Teeth. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which is also very Dr. Death. If you listen to that podcast, it’s like—

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Dr. Death—

 

Halle Kiefer: So many people being like—

 

Alison Leiby: —fucked me up. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This guy, oh man, because it was about spine surgery. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it took so long for people to be like, This guy’s just going in here and ruining people’s spines. 

 

Alison Leiby: Fucking around people are getting hurt. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. You just don’t want to believe that someone with that skill in that prestigious of a space. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Would be actively hurting people. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But he was, you know. 

 

Alison Leiby: But he was. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So Jessica pulls him aside. Meanwhile, Karen comes in to say that Jeff Goldblum from the IRS is on the phone [laughs] and which gives time for Jessica to go in and tell Paula to get the fuck out of the office. So Jessica did the right thing and said— 

 

Alison Leiby: Good for Jessica. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Doesn’t even explain why. Just says you need to get the fuck out of here. [both speaking] And Paula Roberts, to her credit, her dog’s just been murdered. She’s she’s. She’s like, ready to go. 

 

Alison Leiby: She’s not fucking around.

 

Halle Kiefer: No. So of course Dr. Alan comes in and realizes Paula is gone and goes off on Jessica. He says, You’re fired, and I will not be giving you a recommendation because I find your work unsatisfactory. And she goes, Fine, you fucking freak. And she whips out the pantyhose. And is like, I know what you did yesterday. And and in Dr. Alan’s mind the pantyhose are, of course, covered in sludge. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he grabs them from her. And she’s like, I know you assaulted that patient. Everyone here is afraid of you, but I’m not. I’m reporting you to the dental association. And then Dr. Alan finally lets his mask fully slip. He goes, You filthy pig. And she cuts him off and says, No, fuck you. And she does say, Fuck you. 

 

Alison Leiby: I love that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She says, Fuck you. You’re the pig. Alison. Unfortunately, she turns to go and he throws the pantyhose around her neck and starts choking her out. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, Jessica. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So much choking out. 

 

Alison Leiby: A lot of choking in this movie. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. She tries to fight him and he gets her down into the exam chair, of course, and she’s able to reach and try to get she gets a syringe off of the tool tray and tries to stab him with it, but she dies. He strangles her. Jessica, you did try to do the right thing, but you were no match for that dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, Candy calls up brace faced Sarah. But then Jeff Goldblum from the IRS rolls up and again is like sorry, brace faced Sarah. I’m going to be seen next. And he gives Sarah a $20 bill to like cut in front of her. And Sarah says, I can’t take this. And he takes it back and he’s like, it’s honorable, but next time, just take the money. So Dr. Alan gets Jeff Goldblum into another exam room. And again, just sort of just sort of like trying to act as normal as possible and Goldblum’s there to grift him and defraud him. So he’s not. He’s also has, because he has a scheme, he can’t see how Dr. Alan is clearly sweating and going insane you know? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, he’s just focused on getting what he needs. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. Also, meanwhile, Dr. Alan also told Karen, I just fired Jessica so she won’t be returning. And Karen’s like we’re already over understaffed. What the fuck is going on? He’s like I’m the dentist—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah you’re out of your mind. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Like he freaks out on her and she’s like, you know, and I think, unfortunately to me, I just assume [?] to like I got like, three kids. I need this job. I guess I’ll put up with this, you know. And meanwhile. So he’s in the exam room with Jeff Goldblum, and Jeff Goldblum tells him, You give me all the free dental work I need and I won’t report your financial crimes, to the IRS. And then an interaction happened that I don’t understand cause I don’t know enough about dentistry. Or basically, Jeff Goldblum says here we could start here. And he hands Dr. Alan two teeth or like two caps. 

 

Alison Leiby: What? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Dr. Alan says we could use laser bonding to reattach them. 

 

Alison Leiby: Whose teeth are they? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I assume they’re either fake teeth that Jeff Goldblum had, or they’re real teeth he had, but if they’re real teeth. Why would you bond them versus doing something else? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah you can’t put real teeth back in your head. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But also this was the nineties. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like now it’s like you would get like dental implants or something like, I don’t know what they were doing back then, but I was like—

 

Alison Leiby: Nothing good. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Not as good as this. But of course, Dr. Alan gives Jeff Goldblum laughing gas. And Jeff Goldblum is really like laughing about how he owns Dr. Alan now and he asks a bunch of perverted questions about his wife because he was researching the practice he’s like that hot wife of yours. And there’s also this underlying current of like all the men are Jewish ostensibly because they have Jewish names. And Goldblum says these shiksa broads really know how to do the deed. Am I right or am I right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Wy we bringing that into it?

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m like, you know, I haven’t heard of a shiksa since the nineties. I’ll tell you what, we got up, we got bigger, we got bigger fish to fry than the shiksa broad.  

 

Alison Leiby: Also Jewish women are canonically more wild in bed. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s what I thought I was like hearing that. I’m like, if anything, we’re like, white woman are suppose to be like the most buttoned up, which again, the expectation of the white patriarchy.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes of course. But it’s such a backwards stereotype. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: Truly wild. But of course, as soon as he gets Goldblum sedated, Dr. Alan ties him to the chair and starts just fucking torturing his ass, including this putting a jaw spreader. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In his mouth and cranking it open so his jaw breaks open and his jaw’s basically resting on his chest. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: You know, before you guessed it, cutting his fucking tongue out and leaving him there. 

 

Alison Leiby: This guy, he’s got some problems. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just then a man named Matthew Zeigler has arrived from the dental supply depot [laughter] and asks Candy, Hey, can I take you to lunch to tell you all the new stuff we, you guys want to order? And basically the idea’s like, I’ll take you to lunch and, like, you’ll put an order in for me. And Candy’s like, Oh, my God, yes, of course. [laughter] So again he’s like, oh, another insight of what the dental industry’s like, you know, like a pharma—

 

Alison Leiby: The pharma rep. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And but it was just so funny at this stage of the movie, I’m like, why you got to drag in Matthew Zeigler now? [laughter] Meanwhile, Doctor. Sorry. Excuse me. Detectives Gibbs and remember, Detective Sunshine. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sunshine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Get the ballistics back. Ballistics back on the gun. It’s a 38. Guess who is a registered 38 with that exact. You know, that exact gun it’s Dr. Alan. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not Paula Roberts. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, Paula, not Paula Roberts, my friend. And their doctor. Oh, I’m sorry. Excuse me, Doctor, because I just. I abbreviate this the stupidest way possible. 

 

Alison Leiby: Dt? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah [laughter] and Detective Gibbs says. 

 

[clip of Ken Foree]: Because he’s a dentist and they’re capable of anything. 

 

Halle Kiefer: [laughter] Which is true. In this in the context of this universe. 

 

Alison Leiby: Such a good line. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they go to Dr. Alan’s house, they find Matt’s body and the disfigured, but still alive, Brooke. So the detectives have rescued Brooke and found—

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —Matt’s body was like, oh, my God, we have to go to Dr. Alan’s practice immediately. Unfortunately back at the dental practice Karen she has, she doesn’t know that Goldblum is back there being tortured. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Karen finds Jessica’s wallet in her purse and was like, Wait a minute. Jessica wouldn’t have, like, if she got fired, she would have taken her shit.  

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, she’d take her stuff with her. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She makes a fatal mistake. Okay? She confronts Dr. Alan. If you find that Alison, if somebody tells you they fired me, and if you find any personal belonging of mine. Do you not confront them? Just leave. Because she confronts Dr. Alan. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And instead of admitting to his crimes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Take my stuff run and find me. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Unfortunately, Dr. Alan takes the dentist way out and takes a empty syringe and injects air into Karen’s neck. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Until she starts seizing and has a stroke and he’s telling her, like, just relax into it. The air bubble will travel to your brain and kill you. There’s no use fighting it. So she fucking dies. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right, bye.

 

[AD BREAK]

 

Halle Kiefer: Upfront Candy’s going to lunch with dental supply salesman Matthew Zeigler [laughter] but not before sending poor teenage brace faced Sarah back to finally get her braces off. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, well, good for Sarah. Maybe.

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And Dr. Alan removes them, and she smiles she’s like, Oh, my God, it looks so my teeth look so good. But in Alan’s eyes, her teeth are all cracked and crusty and covered in. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Sludge. And he says it’s so sad. You’re so perfect. It’s all downhill. Every every second from here on out will be decay. Can you live with that? I don’t think you can. And he pulls out his gun on Sarah, and he points it into her mouth. And in that moment, she transforms to Brooke and starts screaming. And Dr. Alan’s like. He put his. He put his dirty rotten, in her mouth, you know, remembering the Matt and Brooke cuckolding him. But fortunately, when Sarah screams, Dr. Alan snaps to get out of his homicidal reverie and she’s able to kick that little mirror thing oh no the light. They bring the light. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh yes the light. The light. I know the light. It looks like an overhead projector. It always looks a thousand years old somehow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Even though, everything is, like, up to date. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I guess it’s one of those things where once it’s invented, it’s like, Oh, we did it. 

 

Alison Leiby: This is it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Actually, this thing works great. 

 

Alison Leiby: This is actually perfect. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Why can’t we do that with all of society? 

 

Alison Leiby: I wish we could. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like, but what if we destroy it by making an AI do it? It’s like, okay, I guess. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. All right.

 

Halle Kiefer: So she kicks the mirror thing and it hits over the chest and it sends him flying and she runs and is able to hide in a storage closet. Unfortunately, Jessica’s body falls on to her and she has to run out of the storage closet. She finally makes it to like what she assumes is the exit. It’s actually the exam room with which has Goldblum, who’s still alive being tortured, like, you know, with the jaw thing and Karen’s corpse. She’s able to untie Jeff Goldblum who somehow is still alive. But in very rough shape. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I don’t know. Yeah.

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. And Dr. Alan bursts in and he grabs for Sarah and he’s crawling on the ground after her and he she’s only able to escape when Goldblum collapses on top of Dr. Alan, dead. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But again, she cannot find that damn exit. She runs next into the opera room. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, boy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Where Dr. Alan corners her. And he’s able to get her into the exam room with his gun. But she tells him. 

 

[clip of Virginya Keehne]: Please. I won’t eat candy I’ll brush three times a day, please. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which turns out is what Dr. Alan wanted to believe. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He wanted to believe in feminine perfection. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He couldn’t believe the world is full of decay but here. And Sarah closes her eyes in terror and feels a mouth a hand on her mouth. But when she wakes up, it’s Detective Gibbs. And I cannot stress this enough, Detective Sunshine. The police have arrived and saved her. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay great, finally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see Dr. Alan in his car peeling away, and the police interview Sarah and Candy, who probably didn’t even get to eat that lunch. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she goes, I can’t believe this. He was an incredible boss, a devoted husband and an incredible teacher. And then the detectives say, What do you mean, teacher? Alison, Dr. Alan teaches at a dental college. 

 

Alison Leiby: What? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And we see him with all these students and like. So it’s sort of like this big room with like students and like. Because I remember in New York you could go to, like, New York dental school and it’d be like cheap. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which again, like, oh, my God. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like, why do we have to do this? I mean, like, I get it. Like, that’s how else do you learn. But also it’s like, Oh, my God. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he’s running to all these students and their patients screaming, extract them, extract all of them, take out all their teeth. And then he pulls out a gun and he shoots Matt only to snap to and realize he just shot some guy who was there to get low cost dental work. Some poor bastard. Fortunately, the police bust in and Dr. Alan escapes into the college building only to find a woman in a little black dress singing, what else but Puccini?

 

Alison Leiby: Opera, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And he comes up behind and of course, in him, in his mind, it’s Brooke. And he reaches for her. He drops his gun only to have her turn. And we see that it’s some just some lady who is singing opera there. [laughter] But in his mind, it is, Brooke. And Detective Gibbs. And of course, you love to see it, Detective Sunshine arrive just as Dr. Alan falls to his knees and sees in his mind, Brooke laughing. Because I guess somehow in his mind, she was victorious somehow?

 

Alison Leiby: Right. She’s fine or something? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well I guess she’s alive. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But you did cut her tongue out and take her teeth out. And if anything, I would argue that makes it easier to suck dick. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So I hope she gets back at it as soon as possible cause she’s earned it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If that’s what she wants to do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh poor Matt. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And we end with Dr. Alan as he was in the beginning, all in white and in front of a white wall. We finally see that he is, of course, in a padded cell at a mental asylum. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And the guards get him in a straight jacket, and they say it’s time for your weekly appointment. And he’s taken into a room and forced into an exam chair. And when the dentist turns around, it’s Brooke and she smiles a completely toothless smile and starts to drill, baby, drill. The end. The Dentist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow, The Dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, what are some fatal mistakes you think anyone may have made in The Dentist? 

 

[voice over]: Fatal mistakes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like everything Alan did was wrong. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, big time. Big time wrong on every level. Morally.

 

Alison Leiby: Morally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know the dentist code—

 

Alison Leiby: Professionally. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —but I’m guessing you violated it. Yeah professionally.

 

Alison Leiby: Hypocritically. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The vows, the vows of a husband. You know, one of these things were again I’m like like, you know, if they just agree to be non-monogamous you just wouldn’t be—Y

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Setting up these kinds of scenarios. You know. 

 

Alison Leiby: I do think that the gals at the office could have shut things down a little earlier. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Once they sensed like something’s amiss here. And I just feel like even though Paula Roberts was in the midst of her pool man, as, you know, sexual encounter. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: She probably would have heard someone shoot her dog. And I think she could have like. Maybe pieced together that it was Alan earlier, like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like, I like. She should have heard that gunshot had happened on her property. He had just been at her front door. I’m sure his like, if she just run to that moment, not to blame her. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Obviously she’s a victim in all of this. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You are obviously you are a victim. You are victim blaming Paula Roberts for her own dog’s murder Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Paula Roberts. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I see what you’re saying. I guess maybe that’s what I want is the beginning to be like seeing his wife cheating on him is what made him snap. Like, maybe it’s like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Which is just, like, misogynistic in its own sense, but, like, at least would have had a logic to it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Versus, like, he opens on being a dirtbag—

 

Alison Leiby: Right, was he always? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Disagreeing about his shirt. 

 

Alison Leiby: So you just wanted a little more like, oh, this is the day he goes insane? I think to me, then that would explain why everyone it takes them a little bit longer. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Versus he seemed like a prick. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. 

 

Alison Leiby: And now he’s escalating. But I guess maybe that is that’s. I mean, I don’t know. It’s unnecessary. I guess I, I’m demanding too much of the dentist, and I enjoyed it for what it was, which was a horrifying look into the mind of a real life dentist. No, I. All of the tools. This is what going to the dentist feels like to me is everything’s fine. And then all of a sudden a drill’s in your mouth. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And you have to pay them. Pay them for it. 

 

Alison Leiby: I have to ask like, how do you think this movie does in terms of making your fear worse or maybe making you feel less afraid of the dentist as an entity? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Thank you for asking. That’s a great question. I would say it made my fear worse. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, great. [laughter]

 

Halle Kiefer: It reminded me of both my horror of, you know, I mean, the idea that like a medical professional. 

 

Alison Leiby: Of course. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Be unscrupulous or unethical at all is terrifying. But then it really reminded me of how scary I do find all those little metal implements and all the the the close ups of the them scraping the teeth. And it certainly I’m afraid for a reason. This confirmed to me that this is a fear that will stay with me and hopefully we’ll stay with you listener as we continue. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Our our week of of horror of greatest fears. Yeah, this is definitely still number one and this did not help. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay great. Yeah okay. [both speaking] Sure, sure, sure. 

 

Alison Leiby: I can see that. I don’t think that this made the case for the dentist not being a scary place. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: Now I have all kinds of new fears about the dentist. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know. I’m like, really, the the logic of doing this was not a healthy one. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But with that in mind, Alison, where would you put The Dentist on the spooky scale? 

 

[voice over]: A spooky scale. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’ll say real dental work does scare me, as does toothless smiles. That’s like just a very chilling thing. And that was really a part of this. I would give this, but it’s also like an unhinged, society esque movie that does bring it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Kind of into the fun world and outside of like, genuine scares. I’m going to give this a five and a half. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I you know what? I like that yeah I’m gonna say a five because I feel like, well, I always nitpick about sort of internal logic because I just find that really satisfying. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I did find all of the actual dental horror really genuinely upsetting. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And any, any mouth horror I find genuinely upsetting. And then to add that it could just be just like a sexual assault like in the middle of it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: While while you’re sedated is actually I’m gonna make this a six. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah that really escalates it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I will say the goofiness is why it isn’t higher. I like you know what I mean, I like that suddenly someone from the IRS is here. Like.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Those moments I find entertaining in a society way, but they do make it less scary versus. 

 

Alison Leiby: Agreed. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If this was like David Cronenberg doing this sort of in a Dead Ringers type of way. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Then I think this would have perhaps been near unwatchable to me. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, agreed. 

 

Halle Kiefer: If this was a realistic dentist horror movie. And if you, if you’ve watched something like that. If that movie exists, please let us know. I’m happy to maybe watch it or maybe have Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No, you can’t do that. You have to have a—

 

Alison Leiby: Third party. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know why I was like oh, reverse. It’s like, no, no. It would be—

 

Alison Leiby: No, no. No, no.

 

Halle Kiefer: We’d have to have a third party—

 

Alison Leiby: A third party. 

 

Halle Kiefer: —step in to watch it. Yeah. I think dental horror is is probably, at least right now. Well, that and kids. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Are up there in terms of like I genuinely just find it so viscerally upsetting. I I’m going to give this a six. I’m going to give it higher than you Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. Wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, we’ll hope that encouraged you to go to the dentist because. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Hey, whatever your experiences, going to the dentist, after listening to this. It’s going to be better than than Dr. Alan. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Right. Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So. 

 

Alison Leiby: Your dentist is not Dr. Alan, so you can always be grateful for that. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And until next time, we love you very much. And please keep it spooky. 

 

Alison Leiby: Keep it teeth. [music plays]

 

Halle Kiefer: Don’t forget to follow us at Ruined podcasts and Crooked Media for show updates. And if you’re as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Ruined is a Radio Point and Crooked Media production, we’re your writers and hosts Halle Kiefer and Alison Leiby. The show is executive produced by Alex Bach, Sabrina Fonfeder and Houston Snyder, and recorded and edited by Kat Iossa. From Crooked Media our executive producer is Kendra James with production and promotional support from Ari Schwartz, Kyle Seglin, Julia Beach, Caroline Dunphy, and Ewa Okulate.